The Gould Chronicles

My Prayer for the Boys

2011-09-20T10:11:00.000-07:00

Dear God, I pray all unafraid
as we're inclined to do
I do not need a handsome son
but let him be like you

I do not need one big and strong
nor yet so very tall
Nor need he be a genius, no
nor wealthy man at all

And let his head be high, Dear God
and let his eyes be clear
His shoulders straight what e'er his fate - what e'er his life holds here

and let his face have character
a ruggedness of soul
and let his whole life show, Dear God
a singleness of goal

and when he grows as he will grow
with quiet eyes aglow
I'll understand that he's the man
I prayed for long ago

Dear God, I pray
for love, He gave me you

-Thanks to Wayne M Joseph for original lyrics ( I changed a bit) Sung by Patti Griffin)

2011-06-01T11:34:00.001-07:00

Nothing too earth-shattering going on, but here's the latest:
-Cody is 17 months and beginning to talk (some two word phrases now). He loves to read and sing. He is more daring than Ben ever was, willing to take off down the road if I turn away for three seconds, willing to jump off of furniture, etc. He will require more proactive parenting. When he's in a good mood, he is extraordinarilly fun, super entertaining, and cute. When he's in a bad mood, he's still cute, but very draining. Sadly, he has been in a bad mood for much of the last three months due to ear infections, seemingly constant sickness, and teething. Nothing, from the common cold to a tooth, comes easily for Cody. Everything seems heightened a little bit on the pain scale for him. Poor guy. But, thankfully, just when it seems we literally cannot take the fussiness anymore, there is a period of playfulness, cuddling, or good belly-laughter that refuels us again. He is incredible and he reminds us of it regularly. I am just anxious for it to be summer (less sickness going around) and for his darned teeth to be here.
-Ben is in a great stage of conversing, questioning, and reasoning. His mind has always seemed brilliant and he continues to astound us in that department. He is a good big brother and a compassionate person all around. He still lets me cuddle him on occasion. All of the talkativeness, though, can also be tiring. I try to remember what I heard a mother say on the radio (she had lost her little boy in a car accident): "I used to hear 'Mommy? Mommy? Mommy?' and wish I could change my name. Now, I'd give anything in the world to hear that voice again." I try to keep it in perspective.
-Mark spent the last few months busy at Carrington College, covering a position on campus while they looked for a new hire. Now, things in the presenting department should slow down during the summer, but he will most likely continue to help normal hours at the campus. He has also continued working with some local high school kickers and punters in a one-on-one setting. He gets paid to do what comes easily to him (kicking and teaching) and it benefits these kids greatly. One kid he has been working with regularly has excelled and is expected to get scholarships for his kicking.
-I recently determined that I need to do something to distract myself, to use my talents, to create a hobby, and to generate more income. I have purchased books on the process of getting children's literature published. I have worked on a couple of stories. Also, a couple weeks ago, Mark and I started purchasing used furniture (usually very used) and refurbishing it for money. We have been ultra-busy with it and having a pretty good time, too. Nearly everything we have posted on craigslist has sold within a day, usually for 2-4 times what we put into it. Not sure we can keep up the pace we have for the last while, but it is a fun thing on the side. (I'm attaching a couple of photos of things we've completed so far).
-My mom, step-dad, brother Dennis and his family will all be visiting early July. Some great friends of ours from AZ will be here late June. My dad and step-mom plan to get out here at some point this summer as well. My friend, Shawna, is getting married in Loma Linda, CA in August and Joy and I will both be in the wedding. We may stay a while after and make a family vacation out of it while we're at it.
-I am waiting on insurance to approve covering a procedure to fix my deviated septum and other nasal issues impairing my breathing. I have dealt with this for as long as I can remember and am ready to have it cleared up. If this happens, it will most likely be in August.
And, that's the latest!

2011-04-19T12:16:00.000-07:00

Being the age that I am, I have a faint memory of life without the luxury of computers and internet and cell phones. I spent high school using a typewriter, big text books, reference books, and imagination. I spent college in the library, signing out huge stacks of 1,000 page books and scanning them as fast and thoroughly as I possibly could to find a good piece of information or a quotable quote on a subject. I owned an atlas and a map of the city where I lived. I had no cell phone, no facebook or myspace page, and so I was reachable only by phone if I happened to be at home. If I wanted a coupon, I bought a Sunday paper. If I wanted directions, I stopped at a gas station and asked someone, if I wanted to find the best place to eat, I relied on word of mouth or I took a chance. I used a big, wall calendar to remember things like appointments and people's birthdays. I kept a journal in spiral notebooks when I was broke or cutesy decorative diaries when I had the money to invest. (Which, besides the writer's cramp, was far superior since my journal of five years on the computer was recently lost). I owned a big collection of CD's, and yes, a few cassette tapes as well. I was forced to purchase the bad songs with the good if I wanted music. I frequented places like Blockbuster Video and paid many late fees for not remembering to return the movie in time. If I wanted a dress, I had to go to the mall or wherever to look around until I found what I had envisioned. When my car made a peculiar noise, I took it into the shop and gave my best impression of the sound (yes, with my mouth), rather than typing "Chevy Blazer engine sounds like a pig snoring" and getting the exact diagnosis to pop up.
Yeah, so there I go, off on a Generation Y version of "walking to school uphill both ways". But, I don't mean it to sound that way at all. I knew nothing different at the time. I, along with most people around me, was perfectly content with the lack of technology and convenience because it did not seem like a need was there when I didn't know there was another alternative.
Now that I do know better, though, it is hard to imagine ever going back. It took me until I was 19 to admit I might find a cell phone useful. Mark and I, engaged at the time, swallowed our pride (yes, we were proud that we had gone so long without, unlike all the yuppies who thought themselves too important and popular to wait on a phone call until they got home) and we got phones. After only a short time, I was as hooked on the convenience as anybody. We went without internet for a couple years of our marriage, but occasionally visited libraries and friends' houses to have that access. As soon as it was in our home, we both knew it would be hard not to make up for lost time. It is addictive for sure.
There are so many things that still fascinate me about the internet. I can't believe I can do a job from home- never have anything in writing. It amazes me that ANY project we need help on, ANY symptom of sickness, ANY recipe, ANY piece of meaningless information is at our fingertips. It's truly incredible and I am glad I tasted life without it so I can be aware of how easy it's made things.
At the same time, I don't want it to make me lazy and boring. I recognized the other day at the library that I don't really even know how to find a book anymore. I still kinda like calling up my dad and asking him how to do something, instead of relying on feedback from strangers on the web. I still think the trial and error of things is valuable, and I still believe we should all maintain some level of imagination or we will be complete duds.

Three Years Old, Always Our Baby

2011-03-18T21:10:00.001-07:00

A lump is in my throat as I begin to write this. It's all at once exciting and difficult to accept that Ben is going to be 3 tomorrow! What a joy it has been to have him in our lives. I have a very vague memory of life pre-Benjamin, but I have a hard time imagining how we ever got by without him! He is truly our "bright spot" every day, a ray of sunshine from the moment his eyes open until he makes his last car engine sounds from his bedroom at night.
Really, I could go on and on about him. But,if you asked me to describe how it feels to be his mommy, I would just say "BLESSED, BLESSED, BLESSED." Every day is truly a gift.

Ben's birthday started last weekend when we took him to the Roadster Show. He was in awe of the cars there. I know I was even impressed, so I can only imagine Ben's excitement. On Monday, Grandma Nora flew in from Arizona for three nights. She treated Ben to some great food and some of his new favorite toys. On Wednesday, Grandma and Grandpa Gould joined us for a birthday "party" for Ben. We unveiled his Power Wheels car, which thrilled and overwhelmed him. Since then, he has gotten over the shock and fear and has become simply obsessed, as we figured he would. Now, tomorrow, his actual birthday, we will join his aunt, uncle, cousin, and grandparents at an indoor playground and lunch. It has been a special time celebrating our wonderful little boy.

Weekend in the Mountains

2011-03-18T20:57:00.000-07:00

We had the rare (okay, maybe the only) opportunity to get away sans little ones with several of our favorite couples (a few missing, sadly) in McCall over the weekend. We were basically snowed in, in fact a few in the group were literally snowed in, but that was a good way to be in this beautiful scenery in a gorgeous cabin with pretty awesome company! I could definitely get used to that kind of relaxation!
Somehow, still, I was anxious to get back and see my little guys. Grandma and Grandpa Gould were kind enough to watch them for two nights at our place. I was happy to know they do indeed survive when we are not with them. (:

The first half of my day...

2011-02-28T12:18:00.001-08:00

Day started with a screaming banshee at 6:30, I brought him into bed and he screamed angrilly at me for fifteen minutes while I told him he would NOT win this battle. Then, he won the battle and I let him down. Followed by a breakfast neither boy would eat and a bath for Cody since he smelled like tuna and spoiled milk. Followed by Mark coming home for a few and asking what the matter is with Cody and if he needs more discipline, followed by me excusing it with "teething", just as I have said since he was a 5 weeks old (he still only has three of them). Followed by a two hour grocery experience with myself and the boys at WinCo with Ben pushing his mini cart and them both letting me know how hungry they were. Followed by unloading the groceries while they ate pb&j's, followed by a loud THUD and finding Ben had fallen off a barstool directly on his head. Followed by Ben crying for 35 minutes and refusing to eat. Followed by a TERRIBLE smell from Cody, who created the world's hugest poo out the side of his diaper, all over his outfit, the high chair, and consequently- my hands and shirts. Followed by a disgusing diaper change with a screaming baby and a crying toddler. Follwed by discovering I had Ben's grape jelly all over the same white shirt and he had it all over him, as well as tons of green snot. Followed by another bath for Cody, followed by Ben crying because I said it was nap time. Followed by a quick load of laundry started (the third of the day) with all the snotty, jelly-stained, poop smeared clothing, followed by silence and a rant on facebook. It is only a little after one o'clock. And you know what? I LOVE this job.

Happy Birthday, Toad!

2010-12-20T13:27:00.000-08:00

My Perfect Cody,
This week, you’re turning one. I was pregnant with you only a minute or two ago, and here you are- ready to walk around the house, pretty much ruling the house. Seriously, where does the time go? When I think of what to say to you that might one day help you understand how I feel about you, a lot of it sounds cliché. I’m madly in love with you, obsessed with being around you, attached to you at the heart and the hip (literally), and proud as can be of you. The way I feel about you simply cannot be described without sounding common, like a love nearly everyone has felt at one time or another. But, I’m convinced this love is anything but common.
From day one, you were exactly what we needed. We were living in a fantasy- balancing fairly skillfully the art of being a parent to one compliant little boy. We’d remind each other, “you can’t think Ben’s this way because of something we did, he just sort of came this way.” But, I know that both of us were guilty here and there of thinking we deserved at least some accolades for turning out a kid as easy and obedient as your brother. Ha! You were a gift from God, a much needed gift, that shot those delusions to pieces.
That’s not to say you were terrible…not at all. You were and are at one year old simply more challenging, more normal that way. You have taught me a lot about myself. That I need to develop patience, endurance, selflessness, humility, the ability to seek advice and help. I can’t tell you enough how much I needed that. I needed to be reminded that I was not the “natural” I was beginning to believe I was. There were times my automatic responses, my motherly instincts, just weren’t working on you, and I had to rely on God for help. I thank Him that He made you just that way because it is such a huge blessing; such a valuable lesson.
But, it has not been all stretching and challenging. The majority of the time is filled with laughter at the smallest things you do. I said from the beginning, you have a face that’s impossible to look at and not smile or laugh. You’re just too cute for words. From the time you were able to, you would pat my back when I’d hold you (quite possibly a random thing, but you really seemed to be saying, “Good job, mom, I love you”). As you grew, the pats continued, but you also regularly sunk your face and head into our chests when we held you, a tender gesture that is sweeter than you could ever know. Your smile is priceless- big and genuine. My mom says it "wraps around your face". Your laugh is contagious and hilarious. You are already funny- without being able to speak a single word, you make jokes. You crack yourself, your brother, and us up all the time. You are smart, too. I know every parent thinks that about every one of their children, but you truly are. I see the wheels turning in your head about things. I know you’re storing everything up.
The most precious times in my life have been when I have rocked you and sung you to sleep. I love staring into your big, blue eyes as they grow heavy and finally give in. I love tickling your skin and rubbing your head. I love kissing in the deepest part of your neck and on your drooly lips.
I’d give the world to freeze you in time. But, before I blink an eye, I will be pondering another year with you. I just pray I have as sharp of a memory as I can. There are countless moments I recognize the specialness I am in and tell myself, “Remember this…hold his face, hold his smell, hold his taste, hold that noise in your mind…please” like I’m trying to rationalize with a random and uncontrollable thing. I want to remember this year I had with you vividly forever. It has been incredible.
You are my perfect dream come true. I am so blessed to have you in my life. Suffice it to say, I love you, Cody. I don’t just love you because you’re my boy, I love you because of who and how you are. Happy Birthday, Stinkbug.

2010-11-18T13:47:00.000-08:00

If you knew me when I was growing up, I don't have to remind you that I LOVED my pets. I was rarely not outside with my dogs, pretending they were my horses and the leash was my reins on a wagon. I considered my horse my best friend, rode her every chance I got and spent the rest of my free time just in her presence. There were always at least a couple of cats at any given time, who would cuddle up next to me and sleep every night. I learned early-on that animals are a source of unconditional love and devotion. They are so quick to forgive and their company truly is theraputic.
It's funny how I changed as I grew up. I knew I wanted pets again in an effort to recreate those bonds I grew up with. Mark and I went through a couple dogs after buying our first home until we settled on our two grown mutts, Sasha and Dinka. They were as close to perfect (ugly, yes, but well behaved) as dogs can be, I have no complaints. Still, with two babies and other obligations, the dogs and our cats automatically slipped to the backburner. It only makes sense and is natural that things are placed in perspective once there is a little human being to take care of. But, it always baffled me that I could lack attachment with my pets when I used to be such an animal lover.
We gave away one of our cats a couple years ago and one of our dogs ran away. Although they were missed, we felt somewhat relieved to have less of a load in the pet department. So, we managed the last while with one cat and one dog. Dinka has battled an ear infection off and on for two years and lately, it was getting out of control. She would be scratching at it constantly and get it bloody and sore. I felt like looking out at her was a knife of guilt in the gut, but I knew there was nothing we could do that we hadn't already tried and we had zero money to devote to her antibiotics anymore (which didn't seem to work anyway). Mark took her to the shelter in Meridian earlier this week, knowing that they would do what they could to give her the care she deserved, and that worst case- she'd be out of her pain. Then, only days later, our cat got into another cat fight and came home with a major gash in his face and swelling. This had happened twice before and cost us $490 last time, so we both knew we could not do that again.
Bringing "The Quod" to the pound today was so much harder than I would have expected. Mark couldn't go in, so I did- thinking I had no real bond and could be stoic about it. Not the case. I saw Mark get emotional and I lost it. We don't know if they'll determine that his injuries are worth treating or not. We're hoping they will see what a sweetie he is and give him a chance, but we're realistic, too.
Under my pressure, Mark and I went to the pound when we were dating and found a teeny five-week old kitten for his apartment. The little thing crawled up Mark's shirt and started sucking on his earlobe, clearly, he'd been weaned too early. Mark knew that was the one for him. In Mark's nasty apartment, Quodus (named by his roommate) got severe ringworm and an anal infection right from the get go. Mark spent his money and time nursing that helpless thing back to health. A real bond was formed. We moved to New Jersey, Flagstaff, Scottsdale, and Boise with him in tow. He was always especially loyal to Mark, still attempting to suck on his collar or neck or earlobe (slightly more disturbing with a grown cat). It was clear, all the times we brought him to the vet and spent money we didn't have, that Mark was willing to do what it took to keep his bud.
Animals truly are an example of loyalty and forgiveness. I don't know how many times I threw Quodus out the door in frustration or yelled at Dinka for something, just to have them nuzzle up to me at the next opportunity. People just aren't like that. It's so sad to think about how disposable they became to us this week after everything was said and done. I hate that.
I hope that someday we'll be in a position (in life and with money) where we can be devoted and responsible pet owners. I want my kids to have that like I did.

Crawling!

2010-11-17T09:50:00.000-08:00

I always loved this little video of Ben crawling, so we recreated it with Cody. So far, they are on almost identical schedules as far as motor skills go.

2010-10-30T08:32:00.000-07:00

O Lord, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am! Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths, and my lifetime is as nothing before you. Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath! Surely a mand goes about as a shoadow!
I desperately need to know how fleeting my life is! In the whole scheme of things, it is really just a breath, a small blip on an endless screen. God certainly values it or He would not have sent His only son to die for my life. But, the goings on of my day-to-day life are so trivial in light of eternity. Sometimes I feel like I am not capable of fully grasping this world and this life of mine for what it is. In my humanness, it is all I know...the here and now. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in it that I live as though this life is EVERYthing. My current struggles, even if they were to greatly multiply, will seem small when I get my first glimpse of eternity. I think it's interesting that David prayed for the ability to wrap his head around the big picture so that his stressful situation would not seem so overwhelming.

Surely for nothing they are in turmoil; man heaps up wealth and does not know who will gather! And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.
My good friend was here for a few days and we had a long discussion about banking our hopes in things on this earth. She gave the example of something simple, getting seriously distraught over a delayed flight. I gave the example of how I imagined life would be by the time I was 30 and how differently it has played out in some respects. I placed my hope in an idealistic and unrealistic fantasy and have found myself distresed over the fact that it didn't work out like that. A while back, a wise older woman I know told me something that has really stuck with me- at 60-something, she thought she would have "arrived". "You don't ever arrive in this life," she said. What a good reminder! "A man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps" Proverbs 16:9.

I am mute, I do not open my mouth, for it is you who have done it. Remove your stroke from me; I am spent by the hostility of your hand. When you discipline a man with rebukes for sin, you consume like a moth what is dear to him; surely all mankind is a mere breath! (Psalm 39)
I would have to do a more in-depth study of this scripture to really say for sure what it was talking about, but at first glance this seemed so perfect for me to hear right now! Perhaps the stress and difficulty we are facing is truly a discipline from God for our sin, or at least a testing He's allowed for our growth. In either case, when it happens, it absolutely consumes like a moth that what it most dear to us! I have seen the things I valued, but didn't know I valued, destroyed altogether or at least taken away in a sense. I have realized that what has been dear to me has NOT been God. I am learning how valuable He is and how fleeting everything else is!

The Sweetest Things

2010-10-06T06:48:00.000-07:00

Mark and his failed apple tree project. Certainly not for a lack of trying.

The boys and I taking a walk in Kathryn Alberston Park

A rare occasion where all three of us were looking at the camera at once. Smiling? That's asking too much.

This is the greatest man alive. Period.

On the Bright Side...

2010-10-05T07:08:00.001-07:00

I thought after my last post I'd better get on here and give an update. For a couple of years, I have been going through the motions spiritually- just doing what I know I need to do in the smallest passable proportions. But, when I opened the Word, it was dry and too familiar. I wasn't inspired to really study, so when I'd try to force myself, I would just get frustrated. I kept feeling like the words I was reading were things I already knew and that it was hard to justify spending the time. Not to mention prayer or the lack thereof. I did it here and there, but they were mostly short and dry pleas to God to stir something up in me again. Recently, I asked God that He would make His Word valuable and rich in my life again, no matter what it took.
I don't know for sure that our current struggles are a direct response to those prayers because they sort of existed anyway, but I do believe that the severity of the situation came at the perfect time for me. Like I mentioned, it has been a real indicator of my values and the sources of my contentment and peace. Just having that spare five dollars to get a Starbucks or being able to pick myself up a shirt at Marshalls or buy nice shampoo or take the kids to Rafiki or eat dinner out just so I could get a break from cooking, or have fresh highlights...those were my comforts. I didn't realize they were until I had to eliminate them recently. I found myself wanting to curl up in a ball and cry because I had no financial comfort. (Of course, there are the deeper concerns that come with a lack of money- such as regular gas, groceries, mortgage payments, my kids' futures, saving for our future, etc. and believe me, they are causes of stress right now. But, I'm talking solely about the problem of my heart on the smaller things).
About the time I wrote my last post, I was starting to glean from the Word of God again. I decided that, given my current schedule and everything, I shouldn't seek to do an in-depth study of Exodus or anything, but instead- open the Bible daily to Psalms and drink in basic truths of God's character. I never imagined I would be so touched! It seems they are written just for me each day, and the perfect reminders of my helplessness and God's goodness.
I was feeling like I was on the verge of another melt down and so I asked Mark if I could get alone for a bit. I sat in the tub and read some in the Bible. Suddenly it hit me that all of this is serving to bring about the exact thing I've prayed for- a passion for God's Word again and a real value put on communion with Him! It immediately made me GRATEFUL for our problems right now, and I'm not just saying that. It has been evident in me that comfort in my day-to-day life makes me think I'm independent. I forget about my NEED for God. Isn't that what the Bible mentions as the downfall of wealth...a tendancy to forget God? That's me! And, if that's the case with me, I am SO grateful that He's taking that away for however long is necessary.
I'm not saying that all is fine and dandy now. Obviously, there is a huge problem that still needs to be worked out or eked through. But, isn't it wonderful to know that huge problems aren't random and that God truly, truly controls them and allows them for a specific purpose?

Sheesh.

2010-09-29T07:13:00.000-07:00

I have been such a ball of unpredictable emotion these last few. I feel literally pressed down and overwhelmed by our current situation. I experienced a lot of frustration and annoyance being here before, but never this level of defeatedness. I've gone from verging on tears all day to nearly throwing a tantrum...haha, that sounds so crazy to say. I literally have to make the decision each day lately whether I want to wallow or whether I want to open the Word to a psalm and drink in some truth. I've been about half and half, if we're being honest.
And, although I always want to open up the Bible and have some verse about money or God the Provider jump out at me and seem heaven-sent, it hasn't been like that-exactly. Instead, I keep coming upon verses that speak to how BIG God is. How He is merciful and patient with our sinfulness and weakness...how He has in mind that we are "but dust". Somehow, that has been the best thing for me because my reaction to this relatively difficult time has been so sinful and pathetic. I guess my tendancy would be to feel sorry for myself, to feel frustrated with God and to feel like meditating on His goodness was the least desirable thing when I'm not feeling it right now. But, each time I do, I am tenderly placed by Him in a different spot, and my state of mind returns to where it should be.
I know it's silly to anyone reading this that I am so overcome by the simple struggle of being broke. I know a lot of people who are dealing with trials that trump ours, to put it mildly, and doing so with so much grace. I am reminded of what a weakling I am spiritually. How bent toward self and world I really am. Perhaps God has us here to show me my heart and make me ashamed of it. So far, I'd say it's working, but it's not been pretty or fun.

Contentment

2010-08-31T13:37:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.

Proverbs 23:4-5
Do not wear yourself out to get rich; have the wisdom to show restraint. Cast but a glance at riches, and they are gone, for they will surely sprout wings and fly off to the sky like an eagle.

Proverbs 30: 7-9
Two things I ask of you, O Lord; do not refuse me before I die: Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, 'Who is the Lord?' Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God.

I have struggled most of my life with contentment. I am the one who walks through furniture stores and picks up every real estate pamphlet to get a better grasp on what exactly it is I cannot have. My hair is never long enough or healthy enough or even enough, and the color is never quite right. Our car is not new or roomy enough, our home is too old and uninviting. My husband is not handy, my baby is not low-maintenance, the weather is not ideal, etc. etc. etc. Seems there is always something I can find to be disatisfied with. Although I don't come out and say it, I assume I think subconsciously that a different environment, a different body, a different financial situation, etc. would make me happier or at least more effective and peaceful.
I can see how God has been shaping me in this area over the last few years when money has been so tight. I have had periods when I've done quite well accepting our current situation and embracing it for what it is, but then there are periods when I am tired of being positive and I decide instead to fret and pout. Why can't we take vacations like everyone else? Why can't I ever get a massage or get my hair done a regular basis? Why do I have to shop at discount stores instead of the high-quality ones? Why don't we have a downpayment for a better house saved up? Why can't we go out to eat with everyone else? I begin to think that I am entitled to these things and more and that any deprivation of them is some sort of injustice! But, God never promised the excessive luxuries I have come to expect. He promised to care for me and provide for me, but I must remember that this may not play out exactly how I picture it in my head. God has ALWAYS made good on His promises to see us through, and that's the bottom line.
It is my prayer that I learn to not only be satisfied with the bare essentials, but to not even desire more than that. I don't want to be so in love with the STUFF and the status of this life that I forget to love God above all else. I want my boys to grow up observing a woman who was content in any circumstance, as long as she had God and who found her delight in HIM and the more meaningful things in life, like my family and friends. I want to be a woman that glorifies God for His provisions, whether they be minimal in the world's eyes or whether he chooses to pour out lavishly on us.

The Tribes of Benjamin

2010-08-18T14:59:00.000-07:00

These two are so precious together! What a blessing to have two healthy boys who are both so wonderful, but so different.

Cody Update

2010-08-18T14:53:00.001-07:00

Cody is almost eight months old. His infancy seems to have never existed, it went so fast. He has made my life SO much easier this last month now that he's been sitting up. He loves being able to see everything that's going on rather than being stuck staring at the ceiling. His favorite things are people's faces. He grabs and squeezes and pets them as he coos. He's still a brutally early riser, so we're hoping darker mornings and age will bring some improvement in that category. Other than that, though, he's such a perfect little blessing. You can see why his smile melts our hearts!

I can't imagine anything cuter than this. He was loving the little photo session we were having.

Ben Update

2010-08-18T14:40:00.000-07:00

Ben is 28 months in a couple days! He has continued to develop at alarming speeds. It is still so strange for me to be able to hold completely coherent and complicated conversations with this kid who was an infant such a short time ago. His latest quirky things are that he tells me he doesn't love me and when I make a sad face, he comes and wraps his arms around my neck and says, "Come here, baby. You need a kiss?" and after he kisses me he says, "Are you so happy now?" I know he shouldn't be telling me such mean things to start with, but I love the series of events that follow, they're just too funny!
He also has a cruel habit of rubbing in the fact that he and Cody are getting big. He says "I'm gonna get BIGGER!" and I look devestated and say "NO!" and he gives me a hug and a kiss and then says it all over again. He thinks it's so funny. Me, not so much.
Oh, and let's not forget he potty trained in two days. Not sure why we put it off for so long, he made it pretty easy.

The Bean at Kathryn Albertson Park, my new favorite place to go in Boise.

Doesn't this expression demonstrate perfectly how sweet he is?

2010-07-19T15:10:00.000-07:00

Cody has the sweetest smile on his face almost constantly. It makes it impossible to have a bad day.

Ben is still so proud to have a little brother. Cody lights up with Ben like he doesn't with anyone else.

Cody Michael is about to turn 7 months old. He is just the sweetest little man alive. Well, the co-sweetest.

A proud dad and his adorable boys

Our little car fanatic is showing some interest in sports and revealing that he just might be talented as well. Dad is delighted. (:

Bankrupt in Spirit

2010-06-04T12:15:00.000-07:00

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven"

When giving this verse my typical, half-hearted glance over, I have always imagined "poor in spirit" to mean "down in the dumps". That God was saying, "Hey, if you're feeling a little low, take heart! I'm going to lift your spirit one day in heaven." While that isn't entirely untrue, it certainly isn't what this verse is alluding to at all and really just demonstrates my immature interpretation of things.

The note on this verse is what made me take a second look. It says that "poor in spirit" means the exact opposite of self-sufficient. Don't we think of self-sufficiency as such a good thing? I have always been proud to say I enjoy being self-sufficient, that I don't need others to pity me or donate to me or whatever the case may be. I even see that leaking over into my spiritual frame of mind in so many ways. I would never come out and say that I wanted to live apart from God's provision or direction or lead, but I live as though that is my ultimate goal. I attempt to prove to God that I can do what it takes to impress Him if He just sits back and waits. I try and fail and so I tell myself to try harder. I must subconsciously believe that if and when I succeed at something, that God will be all the more impressed with me that I did it without even asking for His help.

So, what a concept to hear that Jesus says how happy/fortunate/blissful are those who lack self-sufficiency and recognize it!! So, He'd MUCH rather see me fall prostrate before Him and cry out in everything, "I know as well as You do, Lord, that I cannot do this. If I try, I will fail. I NEED You." He says that a heart like this will be blessed beyond measure.

The note goes onto mention the recognition of one's own "spiritual bankruptcy". I have heard that phrase and even used it from time to time. But, when I really step back and think of the word picture there, it is so clear what He's saying. When a debt, say a mortgage loan, is owed to a bank, the debtor is required to pay it. There are no easy ways around that. It is expected. However, when the debtor runs out of all resources and ability to pay that debt, he must file bankruptcy and admit to the bank that there is no way he can ever pay it back. The bank, having accepted the risk from the beginning, is forced to forgive that debt. In the financial world, the money is no longer owed, but the debtor's credit is stained permanately.

With God, we must realize that the debt we owe is not one we will EVER be able to pay. Even at our very best, we will never be able to take a small chunk out of the debt we owe for our sin. We have not become bankrupt, we were BORN bankrupt. The struggle is that we have such a hard time admitting that and cutting out the worthless efforts to cover that ugly fact up. It's the epitome of humiliation, to ever have to say "I am nothing, I am wretched, I am hopeless", but, that's what we are. If we would just admit our spiritual bankruptcy, Christ-being infinitely wiser and holier than a bank, will forgive the debt. He made that possible through shedding His blood on the Cross for our sins. That debt was long ago paid, but we have to accept it. The most fascinating thing is, once we do, there is no permanate stain on us; we are as white as snow!

The gift of the Kingdom of Heaven is purely one of GRACE. We cannot atone for our own debt to God. Instead, we continue to add to that debt with every sin we go on committing, and the cycle WILL NOT STOP short of heaven. Christ's sacrafice for us is the only hope we have. Simply being humble, Jesus says, will make us happy.

2010-06-02T13:21:00.000-07:00

Codiac

2010-06-02T12:24:00.000-07:00

Five months already? That's totally crazy to think about! My little bundle of merriment is getting bigger and sweeter by the minute. Every morning, bright and EARLY, he wakes us up with his adorable coos of self-conversation and greets us with a gummy smile when we go in to rescue him. I don't think it's possible to start a day off wrong with that going on! I am so thankful to have another healthy, happy, GOOD little boy around. We can tell he's got a gentle temperment, like his brother.
Ready for round 3, Mark?? (:

To My Hubby of Six Years

2010-05-17T12:37:00.000-07:00

This weekend, we reached six years of marriage. I feel in one sense I just laid my eyes on you for the first time, and in another sense, that I've known you my whole life. One thing is for sure, though, we have come a long way in those six years. I can honestly say I fall in love with you more and more all the time. I learn as I go that not every wife has a husband so incredible, so honorable, so loving. I realize and appreciate more now than ever that I have someone reliable and strong, and that the qualities you possess are not common. You are ALWAYS my support.
I love looking into your bluer than blue eyes, kissing your poofy lips, nuzzling into your warm neck, holding your manly, beat-up hands, hugging you as tight as I can. I love that those things are mine for as long as we live.
I never deserved you, but you are mine anyway. I love that our marriage is so permanent and that, no matter what else comes and goes, you and I will be together. I thank God for you, BB. I know He has blessed me beyond words.

What I Do This For

2010-05-12T12:55:00.000-07:00

Sweet Angelmen,
Your voices wake me up too early every morning. It would be so nice to sleep in until nine. Sometimes by the evening, I'm feeling burnt out, thinking I just might crack if I hear one more whine. You want what you want when you want it sometimes and it feels a lot like I serve you all day. I don't always get "pleases" and "thank you's" for things, you don't always jump up and do just what I say. You get hurt a lot and break down in tears or you want more food or you're feeling too full. Right after a bath is when you take a poo, there's more piles of laundry, no things aren't ever dull. If I take a shower, it's interrupted with pounds on the door or shrill, frightening screams. Your noses are runny, you're teething again, your diapers and rooms never seem to stay clean. You spit up on new outfits, you smudge up the glass, the pages to your book are torn to shreds. You want the same books read again and again and I can't get that annoying song out of my head. You think it's funny to splash in my bathwater when all I want is to have time alone. You're crying so hard I can't calm you down, my head is throbbing and there's aches in my bones.
But, if for one morning I woke up to the silence- no smiling face there when I open my eyes. If things stayed pristine and never got broken, if each day had a schedule and little surprise. If there was no cooing coming from the nursery and no sounds of pretending from down the hall, if there was no smiling, sweet faces to wash, I'm afraid I must say I would ache for it all. There's nothing like feeling you grasp my finger or patting my back when you give me a squeeze. Nothing compares to giving you kisses or tickling your ribs, your neck, and your knees. When you look up at me or tell me you love me, there's nothing on earth that inspires like that. I'd give up the world and everything in it to get a good squeeze of that sweet, squooshy fat. The sound of your voice makes me smile every time, the smell of your skin is beyond compare. And nobody, nowhere, under any condition has ever had the intense bond that we share. To watch on the sidelines as God works in your life, seeing you grow every day yet some more, I realize again every moment's a blessing, I remember exactly what I do this for.

.

Nicknames for Cody

2010-04-23T12:59:00.000-07:00

Well, we did it for Ben back in the day, so I thought I would post our nicknames for Cody now. I don't know how we end up labeling our children so randomly, but it seems to happen automatically.

Codester, Codeese, Franklin McGillicutty, Round Mound of Rebound, Little brudda Cody, Little Man Dingo, Bearcat, Bearcat cub, Codyman, Masto Man, Little Buddy Dooker, Milkyman, Stink nut, Cooper, Cooperation, Rerun, McShmaunau, Mass, Chunky Monkey, Chunkers, Chunkamunka, Fats Domino, Fatty McFats, Mistah Cody, Mistah Man, Rolls McGee, Soggybottoms, Pants, Squishmonster, Urglegrew, Goobster, Coop Station, Codeisel, James, Creamy James, Jameson, Grunty Gould, Cody Boy Kennington, Paddington Bear, ...and the list goes on. (:

2010-03-25T12:20:00.000-07:00

This is a corny little song I wrote back in high school. I thought of it again the other day when we were in Home Fellowship Group and David O'Hara said (in his usual manner and tone that gets right at your heart), "Is there any sin we can commit that God will not forgive? Is there any frequency of sin? Duration of sin? Recurrence of sin?" The answer, of course, is no. Nothing we do can surprise Him, He knew we'd be hopeless sinners from the dawn of creation...still, He chose to make the ultimate sacrafice on our behalf!

How many times have I asked You
to forgive all the things I've done?
Trying so hard to hide from You,
But, there was nowhere to run
I'm so afraid of showing You exactly what I've become

Chorus:
But, You already knew
And still, you sent Your Son
You already knew, before the wrong was done
And, I can guarantee,
If they knew the sin in me,
I would be rejected by everyone
But, You already knew
And Your love has just begun

I can't provide a shield from sin, so
Into your arms I run
And though I may fall again and again
The battle has long been won
Your precious love is new everyday
Like the powerful, rising sun

Chorus

Ben's Birthday

2010-03-19T20:30:00.001-07:00

So, today our little Ben turned two! It's hard to see the time fly like it has and to realize that he isn't a baby anymore. But, it's also been SO amazing to see a little person develop. This has been a year of countless milestones. Allow me to brag a bit on this day- it's my job.
1. Ben walked on his first birthday and has gained coordination and speed ever since.
His little stubby legs now shuffle skillfully beneath him as he runs everywhere he goes.
2. Ben's obsession with wheeled things has developed from merely making the "vroom vroom" sound constantly to speaking in detail about cars, construction trucks, trucks, semis, cement mixers, car transporters, etc. He spent the majority of the year in LOVE with the movie Cars, but even he is a bit burnt out and has worked Bambi, Dumbo, and Thomas the Train into his repertoire (much to my delight as I was getting burnt out). He can identify specific car makes and models already. He especially likes Hummers, Lamborguinis "Geenees", and Bugatti Veyrons "Gubadis".
3. Ben mastered his upper case letters. He can identify them each without a problem now. We're working on the "baby letters" and the sounds at this point. He can recite a slightly imperfect alphabet, but prefers the shortened version: "abcdfg...next time won't you sing with him?" or, when he's in the mood to go all the way through, it goes something like this: "abcdfghklawnmowerlawnmowerpqrstuvwxy and z."
4. Ben can count to about 17 at times. He can count to ten easily.
5. Ben still loves to read and draw. He asks constantly for us to draw trucks and things, usually on my crossword books for some reason. He knows a few of his books so well that he can recite them word for word as we turn the pages.
6. Ben loves to hear stories. I make them up as I go and after he hears one once, he can then retell them to me later. His favorite is about a train. It goes something like: "Once pon time in a big, long town was a big, long TRAIN. Freight cars, pass ger cars, red caboose back there. Went up hills. And the people love the train."
7. Ben knows his basic colors. This was a challenge as everything was green for a long, long time.
8. Ben has his favorite three blankets, his "BLUES" and this is the one thing he will not share with Cody unless he is in a particularly generous mood. Usually, it's "no, Cody, no touch the blues".
9. Ben has proven himself to be one great big brother. He kneels down at Cody's level and talks to him in a high, sweet tone. He calls him "brudda Cody", "Cody Michael" and "Cody Man". He tells him things like "No worries, Cody" and "No fussin' Cody" when he's crying. He lets me know when Cody needs a pacifier.
10. Much to Mark's dismay, Ben enjoys trying on shoes (usually my bright red ones) and commenting on our "cute shirts". When we take a picture of him, he automatically says "awww, that's a cute one!"
11. The best part of Ben's development this year is hearing his expression of love and affection. It melts my heart when he says he loves me. He also has learned that we bow our heads and close our eyes to pray to Jesus and he always follows with an "AMEN". The other day, he reminded us to pray before we ate.

I'm sure that's too much information for everyone else, but we are so proud of our little guy. He has blessed our life more than we could have ever imagined possible. I can't believe he's two! I LOVE YOU, BENSKI

Thoughts

2010-02-25T16:38:00.000-08:00

I have faith in Christ-no doubt about that, but I don't have the relationship that He or I desire to have. I'm realizing slowly that I don't understand fully what the Cross accomplished. I am still striving to be good enough to approach Christ, as if better behavior might in itself make me a bit more worthy of His company. In a very significant way, I am still works-based. If I feel I've done something good, I let myself puff up over it as if I could impress Him with what I've done. But, the other 95% of the time, I wallow in my failure and feel such self-defeat that I am too exhausted to pray or study the Word. I have spent my whole life under the presumption that in order for someone like me to approach someone like God, I'd better have my act together first. My act never really "gets together" and so I rarely approach God. And, I keep that mindset, priding myself that it is very humble and appropriate and convincing myself that God would desire my careful introspection before coming to Him.
But, what is all this? How many times do I have to hear that I died to my sin when He died and that I gained his full righteousness before God? That I could never have stood in the presence of God through my own merit and that's precisely WHY Jesus died in the first place! Will I ever apply to my life the fact that even if I was offering my very best, it would be like filthy rags before God BUT, because of Christ, He sees me as perfect? I guess I say I get that, but I demonstrate that I totally do not.
I think my reverence for God has been all fear and no acceptance of love, when it ought to be a healthy mix of the two. THrough Christ, God is no longer untouchable, but a loving Father and the closest of friends to me.
The Bible says I can approach the Throne of Grace with confidence, or, I can have confidence that because of His grace, and His grace alone, I have been made as white as snow and that it is permanant. His favor toward me does not waver based on my performance- nothing about God's view of me is. I can pick up His Word without shame when I have failed miserably just as I would if I had been obeying perfectly. There is never a differnce in my status from day to day because when He looks at me, He does not see me, but He sees His perfect, spotless Son.
I have to stop restricting myself from drawing close to God because of my shortcomings. I will never "get there" on my own. It's the knowledge of the Blood that covers me that draws me to Him confidently and the coming to Him confidently that creates a close relationship. I am desperate for that!

Abortion

2010-02-09T12:44:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of things that impact me exponentially more as a mom than they ever did before. For instance, I used to look at miscarriage as a sad but common occurrence. Now, I ache and grieve over every one I hear about, knowing the intense excitement and connection to a baby that a mother has from the day they learn they're expecting. I also feel more outrage than ever over child abuse and murder. I think of my little guys and the thought of anyone harming someone so sweet, trusting, and innocent makes me want to scream.
But, more than anything, I have been plagued by the thought of abortion. Obviously, it has always been something I hate with a passion, but after being pregnant twice and getting to experience the blessing of a baby twice, it is more than hatred that I feel. I have always just talked about it and settled in my mind that I am pro-life and that everyone should be, but I have never done anything about it, and that bothers me.
The more I read up on the issue and research the facts about it, the more angry I become. I know that anyone who knows this is going on MUST take SOME action against it. I don't have a clue how to make a significant impact, but I've decided to at least find out everything I can and expose it. I've begun posting some pretty shocking facts on facebook and I want to do the same on here. Of course, the three people that read my blog on occasion are already very much Pro-Life, so I'm not attempting to persuade anyone of anything, I just think it's important that we expose the horrific things that are going on, even amongst ourselves, so that none of us stays complacent over this issue.

I figured it out: Add up the deaths recorded in Haiti as of mid-January (~72,000), deaths from Katrina (about 1,836), victim deaths on 9/11 (2,973), deaths at Pearl Harbor (2,403), the total amount of deaths due to AIDS in the United States last year (~22,000), deaths from ovarian cancer in the U.S. last year (~14,600)... and you have the amount of abortions performed PER DAY world wide. Where's the outrage?

World War II was the deadliest war in history. It lasted for six years. There is no way to determine exactly how many people died in the war, but it is estimated that at least 40 million civilians were killed. 42 million innocent babies are killed every year and it goes widely ignored. In WWII, an estimated 22-25 million military were killed. That took six years and was horrific beyond anyone's comprehension. Give abortion six years and you're close to 250 million deaths, or 10 times as many.

The following website is one I posted on facebook. It is a long list of quotes from doctors, nurses and medical students who performed or at least witnessed abortions taking place. While not all of them were persuaded that the mother still didn't have the right to kill the child, it seems all of them were finding it hard to deny it was a human being that was murdered each and every time. Many of them became calloused in order to make money. Please take the time to read the entire thing, even though it is gut-wrenching. Some of the quotes toward the bottom will stick with you for life.

http://www.abortionfacts.com/providers/quotes.asp

Mothers have a right to choose...whether to have unprotected sex when they are not ready to be parents. If they don't exercise caution at that point, their right to choose when the natural consequences of their choice occur is preposterous. When else in life are we able to do that? I can say with full confidence that no mother who considered abortion and decided against it ever regretted that decision once her baby was born, even if it went up for adoption.

Of all the murders taking place, these victims are the most innocent. They are the most defenseless and their killing makes the least sense. Still, they are receiving no justice. Our leaders are actually fighting to make sure more of these murders can occur legally and many of them are even funded. I can't help but cry each time I think about this. We NEED to do more.

2010-02-03T18:53:00.000-08:00

Ben and I had a photo shoot in the front yard. I thought these were so cute!

2010-02-03T18:34:00.000-08:00

Here are some new pictures of our little angel man. He is getting to where he stares at faces and, on occasion, breaks out the most precious smile you've ever seen!

The Latest

2010-01-19T10:22:00.000-08:00

Ben Counting

2010-01-19T09:59:00.000-08:00

Ben can officially count to ten, although he tends to skip four and five a lot of the time. He's also mastering the alphabet, faster than I would have expected. Seems he's been picking up on things throughout all our time reading that I didn't realize! He really seems to be a very bright little guy and we find ourselves asking each other every day, "How does he know THAT?"

2010-01-13T14:26:00.001-08:00

As of this week, both Mark and I are 29 years old, which is basically 30, which is practically 40, which is over the hill. I keep thinking that if we double the time we’ve been alive so far, we will be sixty years old. And, I know for sure the second thirty will go by even faster than the first.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those crazy women who lives in constant agony over the thought of aging. I am actually okay with it, I think. I have to remind myself sometimes that I really am as old as I am, since I still consider myself a kid. Other people pushing 30 seem quite mature and responsible, very rooted in life, but I cannot say that I consider myself that way. I plan on trying to stay mentally youthful like that as long as I possibly can. I’m hoping that attribute will show itself less as immaturity and more as vibrance eventually.
Anyway, all of that being said, I have been giving age more thought lately. I saw a documentary the other night that was really forgettable except for the fact that it left me more aware of the plight of the elderly. The man interviewed had lost his wife of many decades and was basically letting his home and life go. He was slowly dying of cancer and when the interviewer asked him about whether he was afraid of dying alone, he broke down crying. He said he’d outlived his usefulness and described the extent of his loneliness. It was really depressing to me because as busy as he tried to keep himself with volunteering, etc., he still came home to a messy, empty house and cried himself to sleep. I know his circumstances weren’t typical, but I imagined myself a widow whose kids had long since grown up and moved out of state or something. I knew I would be extremely lonely.
I also dread the day that whatever home Mark and I have been raising our kids in is suddenly vacated as the youngest of them grows up and leaves. There are definite things to look forward to about that time…there are many days I cannot wait to have one-on-one time with Mark again! But, still, that will be the saddest day of my life, I’m assuming.
What I’m getting at is that I have been recognizing that I am indeed in the prime of my life right now. I’m not talking about my physical or intellectual prime (I hope to improve in those areas!) But, I know that these are the sweetest days I’ll probably ever know. As stressful as finances are, as busy and hectic as raising two babies is, as tired as I always seem to be…things are so amazing right now. I have this incredible partner and we are both healthy and able to spend a lot of quality time together. I have two thriving babies that are the light of my life and are at the stage when they think the world of me and both still need me for so many things. I have the incredible privilege of waking up each day with the primary responsibility being something I LOVE passionately- spending time with my family and doing my best to take good care of them!
So, even though we are two weeks into the new year, my “resolution” is to savor these moments. One day, I will look back at them and think, “those were really the best days of my life!” I don’t want to spend this time complaining or feeling sorry for myself in any way, shape, or form. I want to better demonstrate to my family and everyone else that I love that I cherish them. I know I’ll fail on a daily basis, I already have. There are moments, even when I am thinking about how special the moment is, that the precious things Ben says become so repetitive that they are no longer precious to me and the pee on the wall isn’t humorous and my headache or backache are really weighing on my mood. But, I just want my overall focus to be contentment and joy in all of the abundant blessings I’ve been given.

Our Sweet Boys

2010-01-07T13:22:00.000-08:00

Here are Ben and Cody, about the same age, in the same outfit, on the same bed. They really do resemble each other a lot, although their differences are more apparent to me now than at first. Definitely the two cutest little guys around, though!

Cody has Arrived!!

2009-12-28T18:38:00.001-08:00

A new Lexxus parked in the driveway with a red bow around it? That's nothing! Look what WE brought home for Christmas!!
On Tuesday, I noticed that my contractions were finally meeting the description of the real deal. Usually, up to that point, they were sporatic at best and a simple change in position would usually knock them out entirely. It was nice to finally feel something that was a little more reliable and be able to say, "ok, this might actually be worth paying attention to!" We were scheduled to go in Wednesday morning at seven for induction, something I had reluctantly agreed to, partially from my own impatience, partially for a guaranteed 2009 tax write off, and partially at the advice of the doctor for some antibiotics she wanted me on for a good four hours prior to delivering. Tuesday night, Mark was bringing Ben over to his parents' place anyway so he'd be squared away the following morning. While he was gone, I started timing my contractions and they were about four minutes apart, but still mild in terms of pain. When he got back, the pain increased some and I suggested we go in and just have them check me so we could just know and rest through the night without wondering if we should be at the hospital or not. We went in and they measured me the same that I had been for the previous week, which was discouraging. The nurse suggested walking around the building for an hour and if nothing had moved forward, going home and resting until the scheduled appointment. We walked and I started to feel more pain. When we returned, I had made it a centimeter further and they went ahead and checked me in.
My pain continued to be moderate for the next hour or so after getting into the delivery room. It didn't seem like much was happening. The nurse said they were ready to give me the epideral, but it felt strange to get it before I had experienced any significant pain, so I asked to put it off. I figured my body might progress on its own faster if I was not numbed and comfortable. As it started to hurt a little more, I felt what seemed to be my water break and got up to go to the bathroom when we discovered the bed was covered in blood. The nurse came in and said that probably meant I had just fully dialated in a short amount of time and that I needed to get in bed immediately. She checked me and I was nearly a nine! She had to rush and call the doctor to come in as well as get the anasthesiologist over to me ASAP, since my pain became INTENSE all of the sudden and I was now quite anxious! I had already finished dialating when I got the epideral, but I figured it would still be nice to have throughout the pushing, which had taken a while with Ben. They had me lay there and purposefully NOT push for a good hour while the doctor (the only one available) tended to another delivery. I laid in perfect peace while I waited. By the time they came in, I had four easy pushes and our little angel was out. I wished I hadn't bothered with the epideral just for that, but who was to know. Next time I will know it probably isn't worth it.
My recovery with this one has been a lot easier as well. I have had little pain or difficult emotional issues, which is a huge answer to my prayers. The one thing I've had to deal with is daily migraines since the day after Cody was born. I have read this is temporary, which is essential since it is totally debilitating.
My mom is in town right now through the 31st and has been a huge blessing entertaining Ben, cleaning the house, cooking her amazing meals, etc. We have been spoiled! This has also been great timing since Mark has these two weeks totally off work and has done SO much to make the transition easier.
I'm sure anyone who has had a baby would agree that the whole experience heightens your emotions. Last time, I was just a basketcase- frantic about leaving my baby to go back to work, possessive and territorial, edgy and overwhelmed. This time, (THANK GOODNESS), my emotions are intense again, but I just feel a huge sense of contentment and peace. I feel so incredibly blessed to have an amazing husband who I am sharing all of this with, to have a strong, healthy, funny, sweet little man in Ben and to see him accepting his brother with open arms, and to have yet another healthy little one bless our lives and remind us why we loved this so much the first time around. I just feel like I would have been the luckiest woman alive if all I'd have had was Mark and Ben for the rest of my life. Cody just feels like that over-the-top blessing that is beyond description or explanation. I really have this feeling of "God, WHY me??" It is an amazingly humbling thing to clearly recognize how good and generous He has been to us.
Cody was 8 lbs. 9 oz. and 20 3/4" long. He has dark skin and hair for the time being, is incredibly sweet and usually content. He loves to sleep all day and eat all night, but we are working on that! (: Here are a few early pictures of our little pride and joy! W

38 weeks!

2009-12-14T14:23:00.000-08:00

update

2009-12-14T13:41:00.000-08:00

Well, tomorrow marks 38 weeks of pregnancy. I'm almost there! Besides the sleeping issues, I have hit a second wind and the majority of my time is fairly comfortable-considering.
Last week, I measured at nearly 4 cm dialated, right about where I was when my water broke with Ben and labor progressed rapidly. Not the case this time around, apparently, but I couldn't expect it to be an exact replica. On Saturday, while taking a drive with Mark and Ben, I had consistent mild contractions for a full hour and we were both thinking it was time to go home and get the bags fully packed for the hospital. Well, it's Monday now and there have been no more rhythmic contractions since then. I guess I got my hopes up that it was going to happen. Based on my progress this Thursday, we'll discuss induction and all the details that go along with that. The doctor and Mark are strongly advocating it, and I am still on the fence.
God has been so good to us. After all this time of seeing His provision and His perfect timing in our finances, He still continues to suprise us month-to-month. We were able to restructure our loan slightly and save a small amount each month as well as giving us a full month without a mortgage payment being due. Mark's job description changed and his hours freed up after 3pm, making him more available to help with Ben and the baby when he arrives and then freeing him up to get a second job if it comes to that in January. We've continued being showered with blessings from both of our families, who have provided any and everything we were in need of with this baby, as well as almost all our diapers, extra groceries, random deposits into our account, help when we hit an emergency expense, etc. Of course, we don't desire to be in this "needy" of a position forever, but we can't help but be humbled and feel extremely blessed by all God has done to keep us afloat.
I will write more as I find out more. Hope my next post includes pictures of Cody!

2009-12-08T02:18:00.001-08:00

I have felt a lot like whining lately. I know my last few entries were on the various things I'm thankful for, and really, I could list about ten thousand more. But, it's 3:20 am and I haven't slept a wink yet, (something that has become rather commonplace for me over the last few weeks), and I am grouchy. Seems that when I can empty my bladder and adjust the pillows enough to get near to sleep, the leg convulsions I've been having kick in and continue until I decide to just quit trying to sleep through them and get up and move around. My siatic (spelling?) nerve is also pinched and causes movement to be nearly impossible later in the evening and throughout the night. I'm just sick of all these aches and pains and ready to hold my baby...I mean, I'm up all night anyway, right?
All of that being said, I must keep everything in perspective. Checking my dear friends' blog noahangie.blogspot.com is the best means of doing this for me. Their little girl was due along with Cody at the end of December, but was born three months early and has been in NICU ever since. With two other young children, they have been trying to balance the hectic schedule along with all the rollercoasters of emotions that come with being encouraged and discouraged from day to day. I have another friend on bedrest with her pregnancy right now, and know plenty of people who have dealt with one or more miscarriages. I also know others who have tried (one for eight years) to get pregnant at all without any luck. With all that can go wrong in a pregnancy, how insanely blessed am I to have two back-to-back goes at it without complication? It makes me feel like a complete goon to even dream of opening my mouth about how uncomfortable I am!
Please pray for us as we approach this long-anticipated day and as we prepare ourselves for another very busy time with a newborn. Pray for my patience while I wait and even more, for my patience when the baby is here and I am feeling overwhelmed. I am so concerned that I will lose patience with Ben over little things in my exaustion.
Thanks and I'll keep you posted.

Thankful for Family

2009-11-20T13:46:00.001-08:00

Well, I talked to my dad on the phone this morning and he mentioned enjoying the last few posts, so I felt obligated to make one about family now. No, just joking. I totally intended to mention family next.(:
Mark and I have both felt indescribably blessed by our families lately, namely our parents. I think anytime you're starting out living on your own without them- getting married, having kids, being broke, etc. it's crucial to have the support of your parents, and we most certainly have. Each one of them offers something different and vital to us.
My dad is the source I turn to for all advice. He does not offer it out of turn, but listens and waits for me to ask for his opinion on things. He is wise in all of the things Mark and I are facing for the first time- finances, real estate decisions, career decisions, parenting, etc. He's not the type to jump in and offer money as a quick solution or to even say "here's what you have to do", but simply lends his perspective and encourages us to do the right thing and to grow by doing it on our own, to the best of our ability. Even as a teenager, I appreciated this about him. I got frustrated sometimes that I didn't get a flood of handouts (he'd probably disagree), but was encouraged to work at an early age and earn some of the things I wanted. I don't know how many times I called him in college bursting with tears and desperation, letting him know I had another overdraft fee on my checking account. He persevered through those times with me and I think I eventually got A LITTLE better with those things. I like that I can share any struggle with him and know that it will just fall on a listening and caring ear; that he will not just be searching for the first chance to put in his two cents or throw in a life preserver. Yet, I know that he will be there if we ever desperately need it, too. Most importantly, I know that my dad is a man of God who has determined to study the Word diligently his whole life. That tells me that whatever he has to say is seasoned with the truest kind of wisdom.
Mark's dad is one of the most tender hearted people, always looking to spend his time and energy on others wherever he can. He is disciplined in every area of his life that I've observed- his finances, his schedule, his family life, his spiritual life, his exercise, etc. All of his years and years of hard work have paid off and it goes to show us how making wise decisions can and does make a difference in the future. Tom's not the touchy-feely type, but his love for his family couldn't be more apparent. He has demonstrated how to lead a family with devotion, maturity, leadership and "sticktoitiveness". When we face a dilemna, (which seems to happen a lot these days), I know that Mark feels absolutely comfortable turning to his dad for advice and help, and really, so do I. I've never known anyone to be as generous as Mark's parents with their time, assistance, money, etc. He's also been an incredible grandpa to Ben. Tom keeps us laughing and is always super comforting to be around. I am so grateful to have that kind of a person nearby.
My mom means the world to me. She is so much like me and so different at the same time. From my chidhood until today, she has shown a lot of selflessness. She sewed my clothing, my dolls, my curtains. She cooked three homemade meals a day everyday along with desserts. She taught us what passionate love for God looks like and demonstrated it in her prayer life and through modeling consistent Bible study. She is still a prayer warrior until today, often insisting I stay on the line when I am grouchy or crying while she prays over me and my situation. She has faced a lot of difficulty in her life and has come through all of it stronger and still clinging to Christ. She raised four kids, each one a special challenge, and did so without favoritism or wavering. From her I learn the concepts of gentleness, hard work, contentment, persistence, and true love for God. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful mom, and at this age, a more faithful friend.
Mark's mom has been incredible. When I admire my husband's character, I can't help but trace it all back to his parents. As a mom myself now, I hope to instill something similar in my sons. I know that Mark and Brent greatly respect their mom, never speak negatively to or about her, and look up to her in many ways. After getting to know her better, I can fully understand why. She is a tireless person, never sitting down, never really even sleeping. But, she doesn't squander her time. She works busilly helping others and staying deeply involved with her sons and now, their families. She is an incredible grandma who has been readily available each and every time we've needed her. She adores Ben and Shiloh and bends over backwards to make their lives better. She has given and given and given to us in so many areas of our lives, never really expecting anything in return. That is a quality I hope rubs off on me one day because it's such a blessing. From the day I met her, I felt welcomed and cared for. She opened her home to us for months and treated my like a daughter, even when she saw my ugliest sides.

When I think of all the people who don't have their parents anymore or who never knew them to start with, I can't help but be so thankful for the incredible relationships we've had with ours. It's something that we cherish every day.

Thankful for Friends

2009-11-17T12:59:00.001-08:00

We have made incredible friends here in Boise. Some bonds were created almost immediately, and others have developed over the last four years. I have my best friend living here now as well. Mark and I both feel so blessed to be surrounded by such trustworthy, quality people everyday. We look up to all of you and leave our time spent together feeling fulfilled and truly happy. Each of you means the world to us.

Thankful for My Salvation

2009-11-11T02:31:00.000-08:00

I think "being saved" happens during a childhood prayer for some people, for others, it's a long, drawn out, intellectual journey that culminates with a surrendering of the heart, others make a decision on their deathbed out of sudden clarity and desperation. For me, it has been a life-long process that I still feel in the midst of. Not to say I lack finality and assurance, because I don't... I know my place in heaven and my standing before God is secure through Christ. But, I'm in the middle of a spiritual journey that I can trace back to childhood and that I know won't come to an end until I'm gone.
I do believe I was saved at a young age. I loved the Lord and was dying to tell the people I knew about Him. I prayed every day, I sang songs to Him constantly, I started early reading the Bible and processing its information to the best of my ability. I longed for heaven and knew in my heart that's where I was headed. Within all the endless altar calls I responded to and the countless prayers I repeated "just to be certain", I know that there was a heartfelt decision made. I look back on the chicken scratch in my books and the notes in my old Bibles from Junior High today and am humbled...many times, it seems like that girl internalized the things of God better than I do now!
But, there was a period...about ten or so years long, where I was not committed. I did not deny my faith or even question it at all. I still believed everything fully. The problem was that it didn't matter enough to me for me to lay aside my selfishness and lustfulness. I wanted what I wanted and didn't like anything or anyOne telling me that what I wanted was wrong. I kept in the Word just enough to be able to say I had read it, I spouted off one-liner prayers here and there. I went to various churches, searching for the environment and pastor that was "good enough" to meet my lofty expectations. I demanded quality, serious teaching, but when I got it, I didn't allow the information to seep below the surface. I still considered myself a Bible scholar, someone who already knew it all.
I met and dated and married the love of my life and we spent over five years together claiming to be fellow Christians, but conveniently never discussing it to any great extent. We wanted to maintain the comfort of eternal security, but wouldn't dare go so far as to bring up difficult issues that needed dealt with, much less to question our devotion in general to God. I, again, had this internal standard of what a godly man should be like and I expected that from Mark, growing frustrated that he didn't lead and challenge me, that his knowledge seemed trivial and elementary when it came to theology. But, at the same time, I was worse off than he was in all my self-righteousness.
In the course of a year, my junior and senior years of college, a battle ensued. My brother, after evaluating my life closely, told me he wasn't sure I was even a Christian since my life was showing no fruit. I wanted to beat him over the head. He was just judgemental and had no clue the depths of my love for Christ. But, as I thought about what he said, I grew terrified. The Bible said my actions were proving I hated Him, even though I never outrightly denied being His follower. I started to get serious about reading the Word again and listening to a lot of sermons. I spoke regularly to my brother about things. Meanwhile, my life and my habits were calling me back in the wrong direction. Mark would seem interested in the things I was learning, but not fully devoted. I was frustrated. I wanted to either be sold out for Jesus and supported by those around me, or I wanted to live life and have fun without guilt. I was sick of being somewhere in the middle!
It took finding our current church in Boise for things to settle down in my head. I started seeing the Christian life laid out through examples and started to take in the Biblical teaching. Mark was doing the same. I'm sure that some of it is due to age and maturity level for both of us, but finally we were willing to LIVE as Christians. It's incredible to evaluate my desires and how they have changed today. I know that, although I continue to fail regularly, I truly love what God loves and hate what He hates. What pleases Him delights me and what doesn't weighs me down.
Probably the most crucial thing I've learned is that God chooses us, not the other way around. There was nothing in me, being spiritually DEAD, that was capable of choosing and loving God. I was born hating the things of the Lord. My natural tendancy was not to obey and I would have never been able to muster up that desire on my own. For people to say they made a decision to accept Christ is only a half-truth. God must first choose to have his Holy Spirit ignite that capability in us. Our free will before the Holy Spirit's action in us would ONLY choose to deny Christ. Our free will after the Holy Spirit's action in us would ONLY choose to accept Him. Is that still free will? Yeah, I think so, I am just so grateful that it's controlled by Him and not me...otherwise I KNOW I would not be saved.
If my good intentions and natural spirituality was capable of choosing Christ, I could not understand grace and mercy. In a very large sense, the credit would be my own. Christ would have made Himself available and I would have had the good sense to snatch Him up. Instead, I realize that I was a hopeless case, headed deservingly to hell, and Christ randomly selected me, snatching me up. It makes no logical sense that He'd do that for me, but He did. I have to be humbled and grateful beyond words for that. It also explains that His ultimate wrath and punishment for sin is not unjust. People going to hell is the natural and just conclusion to their life of loving sin. Sin leads to death. We were all going there. The part that seems unjust is that anyone would be snagged up from the path of destruction, not at all by their own merit, and covered by the Blood of Christ/given eternal life.
In light of all that, my salvation is what I am most thankful for.

Thankful for Mark

2009-11-09T01:33:00.001-08:00

Well, I couldn't really spout off the blessings in my life without mentioning Mark toward the top, now could I?
Growing up, I don't recall having visions of my wedding, my future family, or my husband. I know that I always wanted those things, but just didn't dwell on any of it a whole lot. I think that I wasn't so sure it would happen for me. After all, I never really got asked on a date through high school and guys seemed to consider me a good friend more than a potential mate. I guess I just started to assume that it would be my lot in life. I didn't think too much about it one way or the other.
But, from the first time I laid eyes on Mark, I started thinking about it a lot...a freaky amount. I knew he was way out of my league, but as I got to know him a little bit, something struck me about him that I had never felt for a guy before. He wasn't paying me much attention and I was still certain there was nothing that could come of it, but I couldn't help but think about him.
When he called my dorm room and asked my beautiful roommate, who also had a crush on him at the time, to speak to me- I was floored! Mark took me on our first date and we were both hooked from that day forward. Neither of us had ever been in a relationship and were romantically awkward to say the least. But, with one another, we were completely at ease.
Four and a half long years later, we were married. We were immature, spiritually mediocre at best, and naive. But, what brought us together kept us together through some hard things we dealt with in our early marriage. It still baffles me that one of us didn't just throw in the towel and say "you know, this isn't what I bargained for, I'm out." But, we loved each other in spite of everything and stuck it out...thank God.
When we moved to Boise, we found our church and the incredible people there began to surround us and become our example and encouragement. I've seen Mark grow into the spiritual leader I never deserved, but always knew I needed. I've seen God work in my own life, too, although the progress seems more gradual in my case. (; Now, for every difficulty we face, we revert back to our common goal- to make our marriage a thing that glorifies our God. I feel I have a perfect teammate and a leader in this everyday battle.
But, it's not all difficult for me, I must say. I have been blessed with a husband whose qualities are hard to put into words. He is absolutely the ONLY person I have ever met who does not have bad moods. He is the most stable and consistent rock imaginable. If he gets a hint down, some simple encouragement is all he requires. He does not encourage arguments or fights, in fact he quenches them before they begin with a quiet and humble spirit that is impossible to attack for very long (Lord knows I try). There has never been a legitimate concern I have raised that Mark has not bent over backwards to repair. There is not a defensive or self-righteous bone in his body. It baffles and frustrates me...but, in a good way. (:
Mark has a heart for the Lord. He is constantly evaluating himself in light of what God asks him to be. He loves the Word and just gaining knowledge and intimacy with God. His role as husband and father is taken very seriously and he encourages our relationships with God as well.
Everyone who knows Mark knows he's a people person. From the infants to the elderly, he has a way of warming up to everyone he meets. I've asked him seriously to tell me if there is anyone he's ever met that has not liked him. He's like "oh yeah, I'm sure there are a bunch." But, he cannot name anyone. That's because he's impossible not to like. He loves people. He cares deeply for them and thinks about them and their feelings. He is funny, warm, generous, humble, sociable, easy to talk to, etc. He makes an incredible friend because he listens and keeps secrets well and never seems to judge anyone. He's also very transparent, feeling no need to pretend he's got it all together or that he needs to sugarcoat the things he struggles with, which makes others feel more at ease, I think.
He's also incredibly handsome. Just thought I'd throw that in there, too.
All I know is that I am one lucky girl to have a man like Mark. He is so incredibly patient and available. I am not easy to live with, ask anyone who has attempted it. But, Mark endures with me. I'm pretty sure he even loves me! He is most definitely the most important thing in my life and I'm inexpressibly thankful for him.

Countdown to Thanksgiving

2009-11-09T01:14:00.000-08:00

I am not normally a person who gets particularly excited about holidays, special events, birthdays, etc. But, this year, I'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving. I just feel like I have been sulking an awful lot about an awful lot lately and that my focus needs to be redirected onto the plethora of things I have to be thankful for. I want to do a few entries about specific things that God has done for me this year as we lead up to the holiday.

Health...
Tonight, at our church's family meeting, we were encouraged to think of a few things we don't normally dwell on that we might be thankful for. I thought of my health. For those who have suffered health scares and hardships, any time when there is decent health for a period is a time for rejoicing. I feel, though, that since I have always been in fairly good health, it's something I take for granted.
I was watching a documentary today about a woman who has adopted 13 or so children with disabilities, and to see some of the conditions these innocent children were born with was very eye-opening. Imagine living your life from day one without the substance that keeps your skin attached to your body, having to bathe in open sores every night for three hours and living the rest of your life with bandages and very limited movement? Imagine knowing you were going to die at an early age; at any time. Imagine that, because of this condition, your parents gave you up for adoption and you never knew a real, stable home life? Imagine wearing a smile and being sweet during all of it!
Or, I think of those who are coasting along and suddenly slammed with the news of cancer or some other serious condition. I know, even though my faith would pull me through something like that, it would also rock my world.
And I don't just thank God for my own personal health, but for the health of my family. Mark is very rarely even sick with a cold. Ben has never dealt with any illness so far that has lasted more than a few days or been very severe. Cody appears to be healthy and normal and on track for a full-term delivery. My parents are both fairly healthy for their ages, my mom cancer-free after about eight years now. My siblings are healthy in general.
I know that anything can happen at any time to change this privileged state, but I do need to recognize how blessed I am in this department. With everything I find to worry about, how wonderful that God has allowed me and my loved ones to be healthy.

On Your Baby Brother

2009-10-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

This is a letter, one of many, I have written to Ben. Most are meant for him to read as a young man, but some are directed at him now and are more for my sake, I think.

Ben, we’ve known for a while now that you will be having a brother in a couple months. We’ve decided to name him Cody. My heart is overjoyed at the thought of having another baby boy to devote myself to. You truly made my first mothering experience such a wonderful one, that my expectations are through the roof! It’s interesting to think about what he might be like and look like. He’ll have some of your traits, I’m sure, but he’s bound to be a very unique individual and different from you in many ways. Being handed the incredible gift of my two little boys is something I cannot begin to describe.
Still, I have ached over some things that will surely happen when another baby arrives. So far, for a year and a half, it has been dad, me, and you. We spend a lot of one-on-one time with you and all you know so far is the undistracted attention of your parents. You are a cuddly and needy little sweetheart, always wanting to be close to us and not too pleased when our attention is elsewhere or when we have to leave you for a little while. That tells me two things. One, you will benefit from learning to share your things and your time with someone else. And, two, this will be a difficult transition for you. I must admit, it will be difficult for me, too. I love doting on you and giving myself to you whenever you need it. I have loved our time together alone, when at the drop of a hat, we can go outside or go for a ride or read a book or just sit down together and snuggle up. It’s been great and I realize that I will only have that with one of my children- you. From now on, my time will be divided between multiple kids.
As much of a special blessing this stage has been with you, it will be changing. Life always changes, that is natural and good. I remember being pregnant with you and thinking much of the same way about losing my alone time with your dad. For years of dating and a long stretch of our early marriage, our free time was only spent on one another and the prospect of sharing it with an additional person was exciting, but concerning. I found out, though, that you did not push us further apart, but united us in a much deeper and significant way. You made us a family, not just a couple. Cody will make us a bigger, better family. The love and devotion I have always had for you will not change, even though our circumstances will. I have learned that God gives us an ability to love as many people as we want and as deeply as we want, there is no limit. In other words, I can love you with all my heart and also love your dad and Cody with all my heart at the same time.
One thing I wish I could communicate with you right now is that when you are frustrated because I cannot put the baby down and play toys with you or when we have to stay inside with the baby when you’d much rather go outside, you must remember that you are loved so much. You are my treasure now and forever and that will not be compromised one iota through any of this. When we are forced to sacrifice for someone else, we grow and we please God. Pretty soon, you will have a new playmate and will be thankful for him.

Seven Month Belly Shots

2009-10-24T10:08:00.000-07:00

Yes, this is only 7 months, although it looks like 10. Ben knows where Cody is and I think he's anxious to meet him.

The Boys' Rooms

2009-10-24T09:57:00.000-07:00

Cody's room is officially ready for his arrival. There wasn't much to do, since Ben just got through using this nursery, but we changed things up slightly. Ben's room is entirely new and decked out with his favorite theme- cars and trucks. He feels right at home in there and never missed the crib for a night.

Autumn 2009

2009-10-18T16:48:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures from the last few days. We had a few taken with Mark's family and some more taken at the pumpkin patch today with the Turners. Ben couldn't get over the fact that we were actually passengers on a trailer, of all things, pulled by a tractor. As you can see, I look beefy and uncomfortable, which I am.

2009-09-13T13:01:00.000-07:00

I found the Sweet Weedo Bean in his bed reading a book, all propped up proper like this. I also threw one in there of him sleeping there since he looks so teeny tiny in that bed. Not for long!

It's Settled

2009-09-10T12:29:00.000-07:00

After many months of debate and not a small amount of feedback, we have settled on a title for our new little one. We're going with Cody and have not yet decided on a middle name. No, it was not even close to the most popular on our little poll, but we've got to go with the ONLY name we're both comfortable with. I still have to get totally used to it, since my family has had a dog with that name since I was eleven! Still, I think it is awfully cute. I am now around 24 weeks and already as big as a country, so I have a feeling Cody will be another bruiser.
Ben has moved to his new room, fully decked out in vintage cars and Pennzoil gear, courtesy of Grandpa Gould. He falls right asleep in his bed nearly every time I put him there for a nap. We have not yet attempted overnight in there, but I have a feeling he'll be just fine.
Mark's job has officially switched over to 100% presentations at local high schools. He will do a lot of repeating himself and probably end his days exhausted, but his hours overall should cut back and he should be around the house more now, which I am thrilled about.
Mark's brother, Brent, and his wife Larisa gave birth two days ago to a teeny tiny little girl, Shiloh Marie, after 30-some hours of labor! She is gorgeous and healthy, even though she is so small and early. I know for a fact they'll be incredible parents.

BABY BOY!

2009-08-15T14:07:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, we had the privilege of seeing our little guy, yes another boy, in 3D. I hadn't had that detailed of an ultrasound with Ben and it really helped me fall in love with him! Things are looking great, he appears to be healthy and VERY active. Now, I just have to find a way to wait out another, even longer, 20 weeks until I can hold him and kiss him. Mark and I are both happy it's a boy. I definitely want a daughter at some point, but I specifically prayed that God would just give us what He saw most fitting for our family at this time. I can't wait to watch Ben and _____? grow up together, play sports together, etc. God is good!

Jesus was REAL

2009-08-04T21:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when I read the gospels especially, I can't help but think they are sort of heartless records of factual experience and observation. Sort of like reading a slightly more detailed history book, where the author clearly knows a ton of valuable information, but you never really think twice about the author while you're reading it.
Well, I was reading through the Gospel of John and came to the last verse (John 21:25). Leading up to it, of course, is the synopsis of Christ's life and ministry. Sometimes I read through the whole story and almost have to snicker because it comes to things like his crucifixion, perhaps the most significant event in history, and it simply states: "So the soldiers took charge of Jesus. Carrying his own cross, he went out to the place of the Skull. Here they crucified him," It is so matter-of-fact that it seems shocking.
But, that last verse struck me this time. Here is John, having witnessed the ministry of Christ first-hand; the rise in popularity and unpopularity, the controversy, the miracles, the wisdom, the humility, the crucifixion without just cause, the death, the resurrection, etc. He was like you or I, just an average Joe, who had the immensely awesome opportunity to commune with Jesus the man. But, still, his entire book seemed impersonal to me until that last verse where he writes "Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written." I don't know what it is about that that made me so happy. As the author, through the Holy Spirit, he actually had to narrow down what he would give account of because the miraculous and marvelous things he'd witnessed were too many to mention. I can't wait to get to heaven and have the rest revealed. I just love that John was as in awe as you might hope he would be after living through his experience.
It reminds me of the lyrics to one of my favorite hymns of all time:

The love of God is greater far than time or pen could ever tell
It goes beyond the highest star and reaches to the lowest hell
The guilty pair bows down with care, God gave His Son to win
His erring child He reconciled and pardoned from his sin

Could we with ink the ocean fill, or were the skies of parchment made
Were every star on earth a quill and every man a scribe by trade
To write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry
Nor could the scroll contain the whole, though stretched from sky to sky

Oh, love of God, how rich and pure, how measureless and strong
It shall forevermore endure the saints' and angels' song

2009-07-22T10:50:00.000-07:00

When I wake up each morning and go into Ben's room to see him for the first time, a flood of joy rushes through me. He's usually a little sleepy still, but ready to play and show me things. I love scooping him up and holding his heavy warm body against me for a moment. I marvel at the shapes his sweaty hair has formed and kiss his puffy eyes. Throughout the day, I tackle him and tell him over and over how much I adore him and how perfect he is, as though he can process what I'm saying. When I look at him, I am filled with gratitude for every second I get to spend with him. I look forward to the many times a day he requests a book reading and sits quietly with me, fully engaged (as long as it's about cars). At night, we usually read again and sometimes sing. I cherish it all too much for words.
The best part of my day still, though, is when it gets quiet at night and Mark and I lay down, (earlier and earlier all the time) and talk for a while about our days and about life in general. I love cozying up to him and feeling completely at ease about everything. He is my everything and I feel certain I would crumble without him. When I hear the garage open about 7:30 each night and realize he's finally home, I want to squeal. I don't often show my excitement and relief to see him as I should, but it's there. I am truly married to my best friend, my hero, the one I respect more than anything on earth. We are so different and so alike; so necessary to each other for balance. I have to have a healthy dose of him on a daily basis just for basic survival.
Now, another one is fixing to join our family in a few months. I don't know anything about him or her and it isn't easy for me to seriously bond at this stage in pregnancy. But, I know one thing for sure, we are abundantly blessed and the blessings just keep coming! There is nothing on earth like stepping back and taking a look at what we have and realizing it's our own little family! These two little lives are the product of love between Mark and I and incredible miracles from God.
Some people would look at my life and yawn. I don't have a lot to show for myself as far as the world is concerned. I have a little education that I have not used and probably never will. I have never had a job worth bragging about and probably never will. Mark and I have never been able to travel, to buy extravagent toys and take up expensive hobbies. We're broke now and always have been- might always be. We have a modest house and no means of upgrading anytime soon. But, we both feel like the richest people on earth and have said it back and forth repeatedly. There is so much to be said for this kind of happiness and fulfillment. So much more weight should be put on the everyday joys we have in our relationships.

Confession

2009-07-21T14:56:00.001-07:00

Although I have not always given it a lot of thought, I have never been great at consistent confession of my sin through prayer. I’ve spent some time pondering why this might be and it could be due to a couple dozen things, most importantly of which is my lack of clear understanding of it. I have a firm grasp on the confession and repentance required in order to be saved. Naturally, when you are asking God to forgive your sins and bring you new life, some major acknowledgement of your past mistakes is necessary. It’s the confession from a Christian on a day-to-day basis that I have not fully understood, and therefore, failed to perform as I probably ought to be.
Here’s my dilemma. On one hand, I hear repeatedly and believe wholeheartedly that what Christ did on the cross for me has literally and fully covered my sins from the sight of God. Not just the sins I have ached over and acknowledged verbally to him, but each and every sin, both little and huge, I have committed and will commit in my lifetime- even those that I do not recognize or fail to confess. Truly, when the Father looks at me today, He sees only the righteousness of His Son. (I say that as though it is a clear picture in my head, but the truth is, it’s very hard to grasp and internalize). No matter how my head skews that from moment to moment, I know that this is the truth and that my salvation is secure due to that fact. But, on the other hand, the Bible clearly teaches repentance of sins after salvation. I cannot believe the first statement and think for a second that failure to verbally admit every sin will somehow make my salvation void. I believe that the importance of my repentance to God is for the quality of relationship with Him, not the existence of it.
I guess it’s that understanding that has given me a take-it-or-leave-it approach to confession. I don’t mean to make it sound like the quality of my relationship with God is of little importance to me, but when something will not affect my ultimate and eternal standing before God, I must admit I care less about that thing than if it had that power.
I was at our marriage Bible study and the topic of forgiveness in spite of a lack of confession from the wrongdoer came up. Someone said that we demand apologies from one another but that God does not require that of us. I agree with that statement when it refers to salvation, but is that true in reference to our relationship with Him? Doesn’t He require repentance from us in order to restore full communion with Him when we have sinned against Him? If He does not require that of us- period- then, why are we to bother?
There is a battle in my head over the act of bringing my every sin before God. If I’m being honest, the prospect of doing this has kept me from approaching Him in prayer at all at times because I am so overwhelmed and exhausted just imagining it. A vague “forgive all my sins” seems insufficient but a detailed naming of each one seems impossible. Yet, I look at my relationship with Mark and that when I feel I have definitely been wronged, how I almost have to hear him acknowledge what he did in order to feel restored to him fully. Is that my sinful, unforgiving nature or is that the way God works as well? I’m sure it’s the former, but I still haven’t had this settled in my head.

Hmmm

2009-07-01T13:43:00.000-07:00

If a series of worthless old wives tales hold any weight at all, I am having a girl. The questions that led to that conclusion were along the lines of: Are you feeling sick all day? (Yes). Are you uglier or prettier? (Well, quite a bit uglier, but I'm not sure I can blame all of that on pregnancy...probably more due to the fact I am opaque and have a teenage boy's haircut). When did I get pregnant? (Toward the beginning of ovulation). How am I carrying the weight? (Due to the fact they had no option that said 'around my waist like a tractor tire', I opted for 'low and wide'). So, I am having a girl, I guess. Not that I need further confirmation or anything, but the official, "medical" diagnosis is in August.

Found out my brother, Wayne, his wife, his six children, my dad, and my step-mom are all going to be here in mid-July. It will be a houseful! I am looking forward to it so much.

We had a great weekend in Cascade, ID with families from our church. We had never gone to a family camp together yet and really enjoyed ourselves! I'm attaching a couple photos. Unfortunatley, I am terrible about being ready with a camera when something interesting is going on, so they are just kinda blah. But, you'll get the basic idea.

update

2009-06-15T16:12:00.000-07:00

I'm writing because it's been a while and I feel somewhat obligated to be faithful to this site, not necesarily because there's anything earth shattering to tell you.

I am now coming up on twelve weeks of pregnancy which isn't really a third of the way done, but I like to tell myself that. Also, it really is the end of the first trimester and that just feels hopeful to me. I think I struggled through the first part of the second trimester with Ben, but then the nausea subsided and I at least didn't have to worry about THAT symptom anymore. I must admit, I am feeling a little down in the dumps with this ickiness. I just hate not having any energy now when I am not yet huge and useless to do things like yard work and deep cleaning and the like. I tend to sit on the porch swing and watch as Mark slaves away at our ruthless weeds, feeling like a waste of space. But, I know I am serving a great purpose.

My job with the neighborhood has been keeping me busy again lately, just with the increase of yard and pool issues that come with the summer. I don't particularly like being the neighborhood police, but in a way, I have found this little bitty job fulfilling. It gives me a bit of a break from the everyday and gives me a FAT paycheck. All right, not really, but that's okay. I have found that, although I don't like confrontation, I am okay at making a sticky situation sweet. I can get people to calm down and I kind of like the challenge.

Mark is staying super busy with his job, too. They have finally found someone they'd like to hire for the enrollment part of the job that he has been doing for four years and has never really enjoyed. He will eventually switch over to presenting only. I'm sure the repetitiveness of it will take its toll, but he is so good at that and his pay will not change.

Ben and I have both been sick the last few days. He especially. I can't think of one baby ailment he isn't suffering from at the moment. He's got a severly stuffy nose, double ear infections, a bad diaper rash and teeth coming in all over his little mouth. I just want to give him something to numb it all, but I can't. He's such a trouper, though, and really isn't too difficult even in these rough times.

My mom will be visiting for nearly a full week starting this Friday. I am so anxious to spend time with her and have all that one-on-one time together.

Okay, so that's the latest.

Your Help Requested with Baby Names!

2009-05-20T10:09:00.000-07:00

So, I know it's awful early to be stressing about this, but when there seems to be so much heated debate and difference of opinion between my beloved and I, I guess it's never too early to get the list narrowed down. Here are some names we both have entertained, but have not settled on for one reason or another. In this post, I'll offer a little of our thinking behind the choices and then you can vote in the poll below for your pick. Thanks for your input!

GIRLS NAMES

1)Autumn (see below)

2)Summer Both of these are sort of equal in our minds- not great enough to blow our socks off- but nice. They are similar names and both pleasant. I don't think either of us knows anyone by these names, so they still feel somewhat fresh.

3)Noriah This I sort of invented by taking my mom's name, Nora, and putting a little spin
on it. I don't want to claim that nobody anywhere has this name, but I do not find it on any lists, and I like that. I think it's obscurity is a bit of a turn-off for Mark. Plus, he says we are not black.

4)Cameron Yes, Cameron for a girl. We both like this, but the more I see people's expressions when we mention it, the more I think we cannot pick a name that we both like but the rest of the world finds repulsive. Let us know.

5)Ava This is absolutely my FAVORITE and I lean toward this big time. BUT, as great an idea as I thought it was, I found out it was #5 in popularity in 2008. I vowed not to choose a name that she would share with thirty other girls in school. Still, I just love it.

6)Brooke This is a great name, but Mark hates that his name ends with a "k" and doesn't flow smoothly into "Gould". He says you either drop the "k" when you say them together, or you have to do an awkward pause between while your tongue figures out how to manage the switchover. I say, her name will not likely be "Gould" forever and Mark is overexaggerating.

7)Adriauna I think this is lovely. Mark thinks it is too long and the spelling is complicated.

BOYS NAMES (Neither of us squeals with passion over any male names, but these are some we like okay)

1)Cody I think this would be adorable. Mark cannot see us having a son named Cody, but liked it better than some of my other suggestions

2)Zachary "Zach"- Don't know anyone personally with this name and I think it's nice. Flows well with "Gould", real masculine. Mark is not sold, but again-brings nothing better to the table.

3)Nathan A great, quality boy's name that I have always liked, but we DO have a close friend with this name and I have not ran it by him or his wife. They may not like having that confusion and they may also like to keep that name for themselves in the future.

4)Wesley "Wes" Totally dig this. Mark does not. He could probably come around.

5)Jonah Cute. Biblical.

6)Dangit! (that's not the name) Now that most everyone has cast their vote, I remembered I left off probably my #1 or #2 favorite- Isaiah!

So, there you have it!

5 YEARS TOGETHER!

2009-05-17T03:45:00.000-07:00

Friday was our five-year anniversary! I can't say time has flown, but it is truly starting to now. We were talking about how, at best, we could only have sixty more together. Honestly, that sounds like way too little time! We have been through a lot already in the five years we've been married and the nearly ten we've known each other. It's amazing to me to think back and realize all God has done in our relationship to draw us closer to Him and closer together as a result.
We spent the day around Boise, attempting to save money. I was sort of dragging at the thought, kind of feeling sorry for myself that we couldn't be on a tropical cruise somewhere "like everyone else" or renting some luxury condo on Lake Tahoe or something. But, we both knew that wasn' t in our means right now and kind of sucked it up. Come to find out, when you change your attitude and make the best of your situation, you don' t need those fancities at all!
Mark and I dropped Ben off for the whole day at his Grandma and Grandpa's place. I have never been away from him for more than five hours. Yeah, that's right. Kinda attached at the hip. That has been wonderful, but as soon as Mark and I realized we actually had a whole day to focus on each other, it was like we were in heaven! We started by playing frizbee golf and I actually got to where I was throwing closer to 15 feet at a time...HUGE accomplishment! (: We took a walk along a quiet path and joked around and held hands like we always used to. Then, we laid in the grass at a park for a good hour just talking. Because I am on the verge of sleeping at all times lately, he took me home so I could sleep for an hour and then we went for a nice dinner together.
I hate that we get so caught up in the day-to-day sometimes that we forget to be as affectionate as we ought to. We easily learn to live without those little things, but when we're reminded how rejuvinating they are, it doesn't make a lot of sense to deprive ourselves of them! I am truly married to the most incredible person I've ever known. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE him!

Here We Go Again!

2009-05-17T03:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I spent all week feeling pretty morning-sick. I was holding out some hope that this time around might be different. No such luck. It is currently 4:42 am and I have only slept for a little over an hour so far. Kind of hard to relax when you feel like you're going to throw up at any minute! I will keep telling myself what I know to be true- this is all going to be worth it in the end!
We saw our first ultrasound of the little ball of tissue and cells. Can't believe there's hardly anything there, but still a beating heart. God is so magnificent, isn't He?

Nicknames for Ben

2009-04-27T10:38:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about all the different things we call Ben besides his real name and thought I would make record of it. I'm sure it's just obnoxious to everyone else, but oh well...it's my blog. (:

Beanski, Bean, Bean dip, Bean Bag, Weedo Bean, Benny Burrito, Little Mandingo, BurritoMaster 2000, Lil'Rounds, Benny Masterson, Franklin G. McGillicutty, Bean of my Existence, Bennski, BennyBear, Bear, Bearcat/Beardog, Pants, Panseration Holleration, Goober, Gooberbutts, Padagoniapants, Chunkers McChunk, Puddingcakes, Pudding skin, Beeyonn, Funny Man, Little Buddy Dooker-Little Benny Booper, Fooshnickins, Bin Diesel, Doobers, Senor Poopsalot, Sweet Cheeks McGee, DeeDeeDeez, Lil'Cu'/Lil'Cuzz'/Lil Cuzzin'/Lil'Cu'Dawg, Creamy James, James, BTG, Gouldicus, Creamy, Dorcus Malorcus, Ben"G",Snacksmasterson, Poopoopadoop, Bainyameen, Ben Jammin', Ben Yammin, Jamsky, Little Thomas, Beener-Kane.

2009-04-27T10:22:00.000-07:00

Baby #2 Coming in December!

2009-04-27T10:13:00.000-07:00

We found out last week that we have another one on the way. This is such a huge blessing and now that we have been through it once, I think we realize that even more this time around. Although her situation was quite different than mine, it makes me think of Mary's words when she visited Elizabeth...

Luke 1:46-48 (paraphrased)
My soul magnifies the Lord and my spirit exalts in God my Savior. For He has looked with mercy on my lowliness. For the mighty God has done great things for me, and His mercy endures from age to age. And, holy is His name!

Whatever happens with this baby (I say that because we are quite early into this pregnancy), God has shown us once again his incredible mercy and grace.

Second Easter

2009-04-13T08:34:00.000-07:00

Jehovah Jireh

2009-04-06T09:59:00.000-07:00

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?" Matt 6: 25-27

I don't watch Oprah very often. She's one of those people I probably disagree with more than not on a moral level. But, the other night, there was nothing on and we caught some rerun of her show on 24-7 news channel. The show was focused around those who have been hardest hit by our current economy and how they're dealing with it. The only interview we caught was of a former minister and his wife. They had served at their church for 20 or 30 years, I think it said, and had retired with a fat savings account. Somehow, probably through the stock market, they lost about 50% of what they'd saved and he was now terrified he would outlive their savings. That was obviously a very understandable emotion and perdicament. I know I would also be in sort of a frustrated panic, especially being his age and feeling the need to rely solely on that money to live on.
But, it's what he said and his attitude that really got to me. Oprah or the financial guru she had on there asked him something to the affect of whether or not his faith would carry him through. He sort of snapped back, "none of this has affected my faith in God. It's still very real, but faith doesn't put bread on the table." Mark and I were like, "Did he just say that?" It baffles me that someone who has supposedly spent decades preaching and studying God's Word wouldn't have a more lofty view of God's ability to provide. He added that he has lost all faith in mankind and the "system" in general, which made me think: "This God you claim to serve, is He not Lord OVER the 'system' and Lord over your life?"
He and his wife were very clearly mad at the world, mad at people, and mad at God. How could He let this happen to THEM? THEY had served Him for decades! THEY had given and given and now everything was being taken from them. How DARE God mess with their security blanket? I was just waiting for him to say something about God's audacity.
It is so true that we trust God and have faith in His promises and His power when things are going along smoothly. In our day-to-day lives, it's actually pretty easy- espcecially in a country like ours where most of us are not accustomed to really lacking any of our needs. But, just as soon as there's some bumps in the road, some unexpecteds- our nature too often is to pout. We actually think that by living a "pretty good life", God owes us comfort and ease. He doesn't.
I just wanted to shake that guy and tell him he had been resting on all the wrong things; that his peace and security was found in money, in the "system", in himself. I wanted him to remember Jeremiah 17:5 that says "Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind and makes flesh his strength, and whose heart turns away from the Lord." If our security blanket is anything other than Him, I would HOPE He'd snatch it out from under us and open our eyes.
But, when I really look at my heart, I realize it isn't entirely different than this guy's on the show. I take God's provisions for granted. We have struggled financially through this time like so many others, but we have not gone without. Our income is far less than our most basic expenses, but we have not gone into debt. Our mortgage eats up 60% of our income, but we have not missed a payment. God has provided left and right for us in so many ways over the last year. But, what if suddenly everything catches up to us and we have to totally stop our outings to lunch, start sharing a car, start selling our things. What if we cannot make our house payments anymore and we lose this comfortable home? What if we have to file bankruptcy and ruin our perfect credit? What will my attitude be then? Have I developed a sense of entitlement? Would I become bitter like that man? Would I start to believe God wouldn't be able to meet our basic needs?
I must remind myself that God WILL provide. He's promised that. I will not go hungry. There will be a roof over my head. He does those things according to "His riches in glory"- that source does not run out and it can give abundantly. But, His Word doesn't promise luxury or excess or even comfort, really. We could lose our material things and find ourselves desperate. If so, He is still the same good GOD that gave us the easy and worry-free times. He is allowed to do with us as He pleases, but He is good.
If God was testing that former minister's faith, I'm afraid he was failing miserably. I hope I would pass.

2009-03-23T16:30:00.000-07:00

He's ONE!

2009-03-23T15:46:00.000-07:00

What an incredible year it has been for us on so many levels! Far and above the best thing that has happened to us is the arrival of our precious little Ben. On Thursday, he turned one- which is, of course, totally hard to believe. I was thinking, "that went so fast, now I only have about seventeen more of those and he'll be out of the house!" That was thoroughly depressing, so I won't dwell on that anymore! I have learned, though, to study and savor each and everything he does. Even now, as he is starting to throw little fits and flatly refuse to go to anyone he doesn't know very well, I still want to soak it all up. He is such a little personality. A couple things I think we can safely say about him as an individual:

-he has a very quirky sense of humor (and probably didn't stand a chance of having anything but, considering the parents he's got).

-he is very musical and artistic. Mark might be inwardly panicking since he has shown more tendancy to play instruments and dance and sing and draw than to throw ball around. But, he assures me we will support him no matter what!

-he loves animals. I know all kids do, right? But, he never is as happy as when he watches our dogs wrestle or catches a glimpse of our cat.

-he's got his dad's mouth, head, eye color, ears, nose. He's got my eye shape, my cheeks, my skin tone, my hair color, my body type (:

-he is the most entertaining and wonderful thing on earth. Period.

Two entries: One to reminisce on this past year and another of his first birthday party.

WHAT I REALLY MEANT TO SAY

2009-03-20T15:28:00.000-07:00

I was a mess when I started to give Joy's toast at the reception. I really didn't think I would lose it, but I totally did right from the get-go. Anyway, much of what I planned to say had to be left out and what I did manage to get out was probably unintelligible, so here is what I really wanted to say to my life-long best friend on her wedding day!

Joy has been my best friend my entire life, and she also happens to be my cousin.

She has such a kind and gentle spirit and is someone I've always known I can open up

to and completely be myself, knowing she will understand, encourage, and be there

for me. Her heart has always been focused on serving others through friendship, through family, through mission work, and through church. Her love for God is completely genuine and it guides everything she does. She's one of those people who you just have to scratch your head, wondering why on earth she was still single into her twenties because all of her great qualities as a friend will definitely transfer into a marriage relationship and whoever married her would be so incredibly blessed! Now that I have seen her with Nate, I know that it was all planned from the beginning and that God was preparing these two to come together with an awesome connection that was well worth the wait.

Nate, I hope you know that my introducing you to Joy was the greatest compliment I could give someone, knowing what a special person Joy is. Even up until recently, Joy would talk to me on the phone and express her frustration that she wasn't meeting anyone who was a full package- being a spiritual leader and a mature Christian, having stability and confidence; someone who would pursue her and who would be open about his emotions toward her. Someone who shared her quirky sense of humor and who she knew could keep her laughing forever. I know that she's found all of that and so much more in you. I know my best friend is in good hands and that you will be such a blessing to each other's lives.

God bless you guys and I love you both so much!

Nate and Joy Wedding Favorites!

2009-03-20T14:49:00.000-07:00

The wedding was so beautiful! I was pretty much in awe of how everything came together so nicely when they had such a limited amount of time to plan. It's so obvious that these two are head over heels in love! I feel so good about it, knowing that my dear friend is going to be so doted on! There are a million pictures on my computer, but I will post just a few of my favorites!

2009-02-23T14:14:00.000-08:00

Sleepy Ben

2009-02-23T14:02:00.000-08:00

I thought it might be worth capturing a common sight around here when Ben, who is in deep need of a haircut, wakes up from a long, warm nap. That great look combined with his ham of a personality makes for some cute-as-heck pictures.

By the way, he is 11 months now...mastering the stairs, crawling, balancing and nearly walking. It's amazing to see him change and grow so fast. He hugs and "pats" us on command when we need our spirits lifted, he gives a cheesy fake toothy grin just when I need it most. Just when it seems impossible, this parenting thing keeps getting better!

Idaho City weekend

2009-02-23T13:56:00.000-08:00

Kevin's friend Carlos was kind enough to allow all of us to go stay in his family's beautiful cabin in Idaho City. I guess from only driving through there a time or two, I just assumed it was all pretty much the remnants of an old run-down mining town. But, there are really some beautiful homes and places if you drive in a little deeper. Anyway, we had a nice, relaxing weekend that I felt was much needed. It's just so nice to get into any different environment when you're stuck inside the house so much!

TRIP TO NORTHERN IDAHO

2009-01-26T14:49:00.000-08:00

Mark and I were able to drive up to Coeur D'Alene last week to visit some of my family. My oldest brother and his family recently moved there and one of my twin brothers, who lives in Alaska, was there with his family as well. I have not seen the second brother at all for almost five years. I got to know his wife better and his little boy, who is five now!

I'm also going to be trying to convince Mark to move there someday. It's absolutely gorgeous...even when it's foggy and freezing.

Life Doesn't Always Have to be Serious

2008-12-11T11:04:00.000-08:00

Seems we've been doing a strange amount of dress-up lately around our
house. The "modeling" pictures are our spin-off of

America's Next Top Model and the randomness

of the outfits they choose. The footies are something

Mark bought for his brother to wear during his

bachelor party...a correlation is hard to find. Mark just wanted to humiliate Brent, I guess.

Who's humiliated now, Mark?

2008-12-11T10:15:00.000-08:00

I found a disc with some old wedding photos. Oldies but goodies

HALLOWEEN

2008-11-04T12:39:00.001-08:00

Luke and Steph's suprise visit to Boise

2008-11-04T12:34:00.000-08:00

We were so happy Friday night to have the Timmons come by. We had no idea they were planning a trip to Idaho. It felt like old times and made me miss them all over again! You guys are awesome friends and we are so glad we got to see you!

SEVEN MONTHS OLD!

2008-10-24T18:29:00.001-07:00

You are the sunshine in my day, little one! I can't believe how much you've changed in these quick seven months. I savor every minute I have with you and I promise I will always will. God made you up special to be the missing part in our lives. I never knew I could feel so much love for someone so instantly and yet, it has grown every second since. Thank you for giving us so much fulfillment and so many smiles. Thank you for being the sweetest, most adorable little man on earth. WE LOVE YOU!

Political Frustration

2008-10-07T20:01:00.000-07:00

Mark and I were just watching the Presidential Debate and I ended up more frustrated than I already was. Granted, I am a huge supporter of McCain ONLY because I passionately dislike Obama and nearly everything he stands for. Still, I can't help but feel angered at the current situation in the economy.
For example, take Mark and I three and a half years ago when we were shopping for a new home. The bank approved us for $250k, and there would have been a lot of desirable houses to look at in that price range. But, we had to think of it in terms of monthly payments and we knew there was no earthly way, even with two incomes at that time, we could make that kind of commitment. So, we purchased our home for $170k, a price range that had a lot more competition and a lot fewer options to choose from. Even that payment has been difficult, but we have stayed above water, even so far after losing about 40-50% of our income when I stopped working. (By God's grace, I might add).
Then, take Mr. and Mrs. Smith, who got all worked up when the housing market was booming and realized they needed to own, not rent, and take part in all the equity-related money-earning that was going on. They applied for a loan that should have been denied from the get go due to their poor credit history and lack of income, but the banks approved them for $250k. They go out and find the prettiest house they can for $250k and get it for zero down. Now, three years down the road, whether they can't pay it due to the high loan amount in the first place or whether they just aren't responsible enough to make the monthly payment, they are on the brink of losing that lovely home.
So, tonight, I heard John McCain talk about his plan to have goverment buy back these loans and re-finance people like Mr. and Mrs. Smith for a new amount, the amount their home is worth today so that they don't lost their home. Now, I would NEVER wish anyone to lose their home or to remain in financial hardship. I also completely understand that the economy is such that this might be the only way to cause a boost. I am just reeling that it's come to this.
What it basically means is that those who were irresponsible 3-4 years ago or who have been irresponsible monthly since then will get bailed out by the government while those who have been stuggling to make it, but consistently paying their mortgage every month and making sacrafices elsewhere to compensate will be left high and dry. It almost makes me want to file bankruptsy so I can get a handout, too.
While the government is at it, why don't they find a way to eat up peoples' credit card debt as well? I will go on a major shopping spree so that I have back all the debt we have worked hard to pay off over the last five years and be one of the rescued.
I know I sound ignorant because not everyone in financial trouble is irresponsible (I think we have been pretty responsible and we are struggling all the time). I also know, like I said before, that until people are securely in their homes, the whole economy will stay like it is, or worse. It's just so sad to me that government has to be so involved at all, and that people are going to be "rewarded" in a sense for bad decisions.

Ok, I said my peace. You can tell me I don't know what I'm talking about, because I'm sure I don't.

2008-10-03T14:40:00.000-07:00

Ben made his first visit to the
thrilling Boise Zoo last wekk. He
was far more interested in the trees and water than the animals, but we will keep trying! He still thinks his three beasts at home are the coolest animals out there.

Oregon game

2008-09-26T13:51:00.000-07:00

Mark, Brett, Kevin and Tony drove to Eugene, OR to watch BSU play the University of Oregon. I don't think anyone expected that BSU would dominate most of the game and come away with another upset. It was an awesome game for them to be able to see in person. They stayed with Mark's uncle, Mike along with a few other friends and Mark's cousin, Stephen, who all met them there.

Our Trip to Arizona

2008-09-10T08:28:00.000-07:00

Us at a barbecue before the NAU football game with Mark's parents
My sweet nephew, Tyler, with Mark and Ben
Mark all handsomed up in his suit
Ben with his grandparents at our hotel
A lovely picture of me with my sister-in-law, Ashley and our babies
Tyler is getting so big!
Shawna, Katie and me with babies
The guys get to carry the diaper bags. They look so manly and hardcore
Several old friends
A traditional poker night at Tim's

Mark and his proud dad at the banquet
NAU Hall of Fame inductees
Tyler and his new little brother, Adam
My brother in his uniform for a new job at the sherriff's office
You can't see us, but we're standing by Louie the Lumberjack at NAU

We had such a good time in Arizona. We were able to visit a lot of my family and many of our friends. Of course, it felt like the quickest week ever and there are so many other people we did not get to see this time. Part of us feels homesick for Flagstaff, but it was still good to get home.

Mark did awesome speaking at the Hall of Fame banquet. It was such an honor for him to be recognized alongside some amazing athletes from up to fifty years ago!

Ben was a GREAT traveler...much to our delight and relief. He met so many people and went to so many new places that he slept like crazy once we got home. I think he was a little exhausted! It was great for him to meet our family and some of our closest friends!

Ben in Arizona

2008-09-10T08:05:00.000-07:00

Ben and his newest cousin, Adam

Ben and his good friend, Hunter Hoff

Ben and his very proud Grandma Nora
Stephanie getting attacked
We might have a problem here.....

The Latest from BenYaMeen

2008-08-28T12:37:00.000-07:00

Ben is changing so fast! He can roll over (although he only does it on his own terms), he gives us great guttoral laughter now, he sings and talks to himself, he throws little fits when we take things from him, he is eating "real" food, he loves his pets and he likes to talk on the phone. Plus, he only keeps getting cuter!

Pray for the Donohues

2008-08-28T12:27:00.000-07:00

Mark's uncle Pat died last week from a brain tumor he has been fighting for over a year. We're confident he's with the Lord now and that obviously makes the entire thing a little easier to deal with. Still, his family (wife and three kids) could still use prayer while they go through this difficult time.

Pray that God gives them strength and peace as well as people around them in Portland who can help them and encourage them as needed.

Pat was an incredible man and I can say that confidently after only meeting him a handful of times. He had a heart for serving others and loved his family intensely.

Grandpa will be so proud!

2008-08-11T20:29:00.000-07:00

We are indoctrinating Ben at an early age. He really doesn't have much say in the matter. But, he has at least one Grandpa that will definitely approve.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker

2008-08-11T15:20:00.001-07:00

So, here are the results of my wild imagination. I have found my calling as a matchmaker. My cousin from Arizona and my friend, Nate, from Boise have met and totally hit it off. Don't they make a cute couple, too? Anyway, I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

2008-07-30T13:37:00.001-07:00

We found out that Mark is being inducted into Northern Arizona University's athletic Hall of Fame. There are only four people a year inducted, and that is from the entire history of the school, so it's a great honor. We will go to Arizona in September and he'll receive his award. We'll also take the chance to visit my family and our friends, which I'm so excited about!

Mark Gould, Football, 2000-03Three-time Golden Eagle Scholar Athlete Award recipient...2002 punting average was the best in I-AA history...Career mark of 44.8 is the best in I-AA history and sixth-best mark in Division I history...Two-time CoSIDA Academic All-America choice, earning first team honors in 2003 and second-team in 2002...Two-time District VIII selection (2002, 2003)...Two-time selection to the I-AA Athletic Director’s Association Academic All-Star team (2002, 2003)…Two-time All-America selection, earning a total of five All-America honors…2003 AFCA, Sports Network, Associated Press and CSTV First Team All-America choice…Named to Don Hansen's Football Gazette All-America first-team choice and Associated Press and The Sports Network All-America second-team in 2002...Two-time All-Big Sky choice, earning first-team honors in 2003 and second team in 2002...Seventh player in Big Sky history to lead the league two or more times and sixth player to do it in back-to-back seasons... Recipient of the 2003-04 Skyjacks Foundation Scholarship...Selected to play in the I-AA All-Star Classic game and East-West Shrine Game... NAU Golden Eagle Male Scholar Athlete of the Year.

Future Friends??

2008-07-30T13:09:00.001-07:00

Ben isn't so sure about Braden yet, since Braden is 7 weeks older and can chew on Ben. But, we're convinced they will be best friends very soon. They are so cute together! But, how on earth do people handle twins?

Family visit

2008-07-10T10:33:00.000-07:00

My mom, my brother, Wayne, and his family of eight came and stayed a few nights with us last week. They are moving up to Hayden, ID to pastor a church. I am so excited to see how God uses their whole family up there. I couldn't believe how much the kids had changed and grown. Guess I need to see them more than once every couple years!

Ben's Dedication

2008-07-01T14:17:00.001-07:00

Sunday the church had a dedication for a handful of countless babies in the congregation. It was a hundred and some degrees, which I am no longer used to, and so we only lasted about 45 minutes total before Ben was screaming and I was gushing sweat. But, we are so serious about dedicating his life to the Lord. After all, he belongs to Him anyway and is only on loan to us. I have caught myself falling into the pattern of infrequent prayer and Sunday-only worship, which Ben may not notice now, but will soon enough. I desperately want to model a consistent Christian life to our son; one that demonstrates a true love for God through glorifying Him in everything and always being mindful of His will everyday. I want that all the more now that I know someone is watching me, even now. Mark and I are entrusted with his life and God has appointed us as his teachers and examples on earth. If we act as though God is a sidenote in our day-to-day lives, he will most likely learn to do the same. But, if we speak about Him and worship Him constantly, he will hopefully learn to love our God at an early age! It's such a huge responsibility to be a good example. I'm glad we have a church that will come alongside us and keep us accountable in this area.

2008-07-01T12:24:00.000-07:00

My two close friends from Arizona came together for a short visit this last weekend. It was so good to see them and to let them see why it is I like Boise so much! Ben loved meeting his two "aunts"! These girls are amazing and never fail to challenge me to spend more quality time with the Lord, which is what good friends do, I think! I am so sad to see them leave again, but I know that these are two people I will never lose contact with! Love you guys!

Goodbye to the Timmons

2008-06-20T12:20:00.000-07:00

Our good friends Stephanie and Luke Timmons have moved back to California. We are going to miss them so much! We're glad to have an excuse to visit Los Angeles more often, but still. We always had the best time hanging out with them and consider them some of the easiest people to talk to. God bless you guys and we will see you soon!

Proud to be white trash

2008-06-19T16:24:00.001-07:00

Mark went with Nate and Brett and a couple of other guys out in the middle of nowhere to shoot guns.

For some reason, the saw fit to dress like this.

I guess Nate has the southern, uneducated dialect and accent down to a T and they stayed in character just about all day.

Ben and Dad

2008-06-19T15:37:00.000-07:00

Ben is IN LOVE with Mark. When he gets home, his little face lights up and nobody can make him laugh like his dad. I think Ben is the luckiest little guy on earth to have a dad like he does!

Ben and Mom

2008-06-19T15:24:00.000-07:00

It has been such a blessing to be home with Ben so far. The plan is to keep it that way, meaning I must get a lot better at relying on God and realizing that He has provided in strange, unexpected ways for over 3 months and that there is no reason He won't continue to if He wants me at home.

Getting to know Ben has been the most rewarding experience of my life. Here are a couple pictures of us so far!

First Post!

2008-06-19T15:10:00.000-07:00

To start this blog off, I will just say that the theme is our new little boy, Benjamin Thomas Gould, born on March 19th. He is the light of my life! Today he is exactly 3 months old and I can't believe how much time has flown by! I am learning quickly to commit the things he does/the way he looks to memory so that as he changes daily I will be able to recall the previous stage(s). I am also, for the first time in a long time, taking an obsessive and disturbing amount of pictures. This is just one more place to show them off!