I thought after my last post I'd better get on here and give an update. For a couple of years, I have been going through the motions spiritually- just doing what I know I need to do in the smallest passable proportions. But, when I opened the Word, it was dry and too familiar. I wasn't inspired to really study, so when I'd try to force myself, I would just get frustrated. I kept feeling like the words I was reading were things I already knew and that it was hard to justify spending the time. Not to mention prayer or the lack thereof. I did it here and there, but they were mostly short and dry pleas to God to stir something up in me again. Recently, I asked God that He would make His Word valuable and rich in my life again, no matter what it took.
I don't know for sure that our current struggles are a direct response to those prayers because they sort of existed anyway, but I do believe that the severity of the situation came at the perfect time for me. Like I mentioned, it has been a real indicator of my values and the sources of my contentment and peace. Just having that spare five dollars to get a Starbucks or being able to pick myself up a shirt at Marshalls or buy nice shampoo or take the kids to Rafiki or eat dinner out just so I could get a break from cooking, or have fresh highlights...those were my comforts. I didn't realize they were until I had to eliminate them recently. I found myself wanting to curl up in a ball and cry because I had no financial comfort. (Of course, there are the deeper concerns that come with a lack of money- such as regular gas, groceries, mortgage payments, my kids' futures, saving for our future, etc. and believe me, they are causes of stress right now. But, I'm talking solely about the problem of my heart on the smaller things).
About the time I wrote my last post, I was starting to glean from the Word of God again. I decided that, given my current schedule and everything, I shouldn't seek to do an in-depth study of Exodus or anything, but instead- open the Bible daily to Psalms and drink in basic truths of God's character. I never imagined I would be so touched! It seems they are written just for me each day, and the perfect reminders of my helplessness and God's goodness.
I was feeling like I was on the verge of another melt down and so I asked Mark if I could get alone for a bit. I sat in the tub and read some in the Bible. Suddenly it hit me that all of this is serving to bring about the exact thing I've prayed for- a passion for God's Word again and a real value put on communion with Him! It immediately made me GRATEFUL for our problems right now, and I'm not just saying that. It has been evident in me that comfort in my day-to-day life makes me think I'm independent. I forget about my NEED for God. Isn't that what the Bible mentions as the downfall of wealth...a tendancy to forget God? That's me! And, if that's the case with me, I am SO grateful that He's taking that away for however long is necessary.
I'm not saying that all is fine and dandy now. Obviously, there is a huge problem that still needs to be worked out or eked through. But, isn't it wonderful to know that huge problems aren't random and that God truly, truly controls them and allows them for a specific purpose?
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2 comments:
AMEN! Anne, thanks so much for sharing. This was so encouraging. I loved talking with you the other day about this and LOVE seeing the Spirit work in and through you. I'll keep praying you cling to Him and only find satisfaction in HIM while seeing everything else in the world as rubbish. You've got me all excited to open up Psalms again...you'd think after reading it so many times it would become redundant, but like you said the Lord seems to speak directly to your heart and the situations you find yourself in. Thanks for being so transparent in your blogs. That's not easy. Love you
I know the exact feeling that you are having. When I was in graduate school, Jared lost his job twice in one year, so we were completely unemployed for about 5 months. My dependency on God and knowledge of Him grew so much during that time. When Jared finally got a job at the end of the summer (2 weeks before unemployment ran out), I actually found myself somewhat sad because I felt like my deep, deep connection to God was going to change. It is hard to explain and sounds kind of silly. I truly feel like when we are the "lowest" that is when God meets us and we can experience Him in such a mighty and powerful way.
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