Sheesh.

I have been such a ball of unpredictable emotion these last few. I feel literally pressed down and overwhelmed by our current situation. I experienced a lot of frustration and annoyance being here before, but never this level of defeatedness. I've gone from verging on tears all day to nearly throwing a tantrum...haha, that sounds so crazy to say. I literally have to make the decision each day lately whether I want to wallow or whether I want to open the Word to a psalm and drink in some truth. I've been about half and half, if we're being honest.
And, although I always want to open up the Bible and have some verse about money or God the Provider jump out at me and seem heaven-sent, it hasn't been like that-exactly. Instead, I keep coming upon verses that speak to how BIG God is. How He is merciful and patient with our sinfulness and weakness...how He has in mind that we are "but dust". Somehow, that has been the best thing for me because my reaction to this relatively difficult time has been so sinful and pathetic. I guess my tendancy would be to feel sorry for myself, to feel frustrated with God and to feel like meditating on His goodness was the least desirable thing when I'm not feeling it right now. But, each time I do, I am tenderly placed by Him in a different spot, and my state of mind returns to where it should be.
I know it's silly to anyone reading this that I am so overcome by the simple struggle of being broke. I know a lot of people who are dealing with trials that trump ours, to put it mildly, and doing so with so much grace. I am reminded of what a weakling I am spiritually. How bent toward self and world I really am. Perhaps God has us here to show me my heart and make me ashamed of it. So far, I'd say it's working, but it's not been pretty or fun.