Thoughts

I have faith in Christ-no doubt about that, but I don't have the relationship that He or I desire to have. I'm realizing slowly that I don't understand fully what the Cross accomplished. I am still striving to be good enough to approach Christ, as if better behavior might in itself make me a bit more worthy of His company. In a very significant way, I am still works-based. If I feel I've done something good, I let myself puff up over it as if I could impress Him with what I've done. But, the other 95% of the time, I wallow in my failure and feel such self-defeat that I am too exhausted to pray or study the Word. I have spent my whole life under the presumption that in order for someone like me to approach someone like God, I'd better have my act together first. My act never really "gets together" and so I rarely approach God. And, I keep that mindset, priding myself that it is very humble and appropriate and convincing myself that God would desire my careful introspection before coming to Him.
But, what is all this? How many times do I have to hear that I died to my sin when He died and that I gained his full righteousness before God? That I could never have stood in the presence of God through my own merit and that's precisely WHY Jesus died in the first place! Will I ever apply to my life the fact that even if I was offering my very best, it would be like filthy rags before God BUT, because of Christ, He sees me as perfect? I guess I say I get that, but I demonstrate that I totally do not.
I think my reverence for God has been all fear and no acceptance of love, when it ought to be a healthy mix of the two. THrough Christ, God is no longer untouchable, but a loving Father and the closest of friends to me.
The Bible says I can approach the Throne of Grace with confidence, or, I can have confidence that because of His grace, and His grace alone, I have been made as white as snow and that it is permanant. His favor toward me does not waver based on my performance- nothing about God's view of me is. I can pick up His Word without shame when I have failed miserably just as I would if I had been obeying perfectly. There is never a differnce in my status from day to day because when He looks at me, He does not see me, but He sees His perfect, spotless Son.
I have to stop restricting myself from drawing close to God because of my shortcomings. I will never "get there" on my own. It's the knowledge of the Blood that covers me that draws me to Him confidently and the coming to Him confidently that creates a close relationship. I am desperate for that!