Thankful for My Salvation

I think "being saved" happens during a childhood prayer for some people, for others, it's a long, drawn out, intellectual journey that culminates with a surrendering of the heart, others make a decision on their deathbed out of sudden clarity and desperation. For me, it has been a life-long process that I still feel in the midst of. Not to say I lack finality and assurance, because I don't... I know my place in heaven and my standing before God is secure through Christ. But, I'm in the middle of a spiritual journey that I can trace back to childhood and that I know won't come to an end until I'm gone.
I do believe I was saved at a young age. I loved the Lord and was dying to tell the people I knew about Him. I prayed every day, I sang songs to Him constantly, I started early reading the Bible and processing its information to the best of my ability. I longed for heaven and knew in my heart that's where I was headed. Within all the endless altar calls I responded to and the countless prayers I repeated "just to be certain", I know that there was a heartfelt decision made. I look back on the chicken scratch in my books and the notes in my old Bibles from Junior High today and am humbled...many times, it seems like that girl internalized the things of God better than I do now!
But, there was a period...about ten or so years long, where I was not committed. I did not deny my faith or even question it at all. I still believed everything fully. The problem was that it didn't matter enough to me for me to lay aside my selfishness and lustfulness. I wanted what I wanted and didn't like anything or anyOne telling me that what I wanted was wrong. I kept in the Word just enough to be able to say I had read it, I spouted off one-liner prayers here and there. I went to various churches, searching for the environment and pastor that was "good enough" to meet my lofty expectations. I demanded quality, serious teaching, but when I got it, I didn't allow the information to seep below the surface. I still considered myself a Bible scholar, someone who already knew it all.
I met and dated and married the love of my life and we spent over five years together claiming to be fellow Christians, but conveniently never discussing it to any great extent. We wanted to maintain the comfort of eternal security, but wouldn't dare go so far as to bring up difficult issues that needed dealt with, much less to question our devotion in general to God. I, again, had this internal standard of what a godly man should be like and I expected that from Mark, growing frustrated that he didn't lead and challenge me, that his knowledge seemed trivial and elementary when it came to theology. But, at the same time, I was worse off than he was in all my self-righteousness.
In the course of a year, my junior and senior years of college, a battle ensued. My brother, after evaluating my life closely, told me he wasn't sure I was even a Christian since my life was showing no fruit. I wanted to beat him over the head. He was just judgemental and had no clue the depths of my love for Christ. But, as I thought about what he said, I grew terrified. The Bible said my actions were proving I hated Him, even though I never outrightly denied being His follower. I started to get serious about reading the Word again and listening to a lot of sermons. I spoke regularly to my brother about things. Meanwhile, my life and my habits were calling me back in the wrong direction. Mark would seem interested in the things I was learning, but not fully devoted. I was frustrated. I wanted to either be sold out for Jesus and supported by those around me, or I wanted to live life and have fun without guilt. I was sick of being somewhere in the middle!
It took finding our current church in Boise for things to settle down in my head. I started seeing the Christian life laid out through examples and started to take in the Biblical teaching. Mark was doing the same. I'm sure that some of it is due to age and maturity level for both of us, but finally we were willing to LIVE as Christians. It's incredible to evaluate my desires and how they have changed today. I know that, although I continue to fail regularly, I truly love what God loves and hate what He hates. What pleases Him delights me and what doesn't weighs me down.
Probably the most crucial thing I've learned is that God chooses us, not the other way around. There was nothing in me, being spiritually DEAD, that was capable of choosing and loving God. I was born hating the things of the Lord. My natural tendancy was not to obey and I would have never been able to muster up that desire on my own. For people to say they made a decision to accept Christ is only a half-truth. God must first choose to have his Holy Spirit ignite that capability in us. Our free will before the Holy Spirit's action in us would ONLY choose to deny Christ. Our free will after the Holy Spirit's action in us would ONLY choose to accept Him. Is that still free will? Yeah, I think so, I am just so grateful that it's controlled by Him and not me...otherwise I KNOW I would not be saved.
If my good intentions and natural spirituality was capable of choosing Christ, I could not understand grace and mercy. In a very large sense, the credit would be my own. Christ would have made Himself available and I would have had the good sense to snatch Him up. Instead, I realize that I was a hopeless case, headed deservingly to hell, and Christ randomly selected me, snatching me up. It makes no logical sense that He'd do that for me, but He did. I have to be humbled and grateful beyond words for that. It also explains that His ultimate wrath and punishment for sin is not unjust. People going to hell is the natural and just conclusion to their life of loving sin. Sin leads to death. We were all going there. The part that seems unjust is that anyone would be snagged up from the path of destruction, not at all by their own merit, and covered by the Blood of Christ/given eternal life.
In light of all that, my salvation is what I am most thankful for.