Thankful for Family

Well, I talked to my dad on the phone this morning and he mentioned enjoying the last few posts, so I felt obligated to make one about family now. No, just joking. I totally intended to mention family next.(:
Mark and I have both felt indescribably blessed by our families lately, namely our parents. I think anytime you're starting out living on your own without them- getting married, having kids, being broke, etc. it's crucial to have the support of your parents, and we most certainly have. Each one of them offers something different and vital to us.
My dad is the source I turn to for all advice. He does not offer it out of turn, but listens and waits for me to ask for his opinion on things. He is wise in all of the things Mark and I are facing for the first time- finances, real estate decisions, career decisions, parenting, etc. He's not the type to jump in and offer money as a quick solution or to even say "here's what you have to do", but simply lends his perspective and encourages us to do the right thing and to grow by doing it on our own, to the best of our ability. Even as a teenager, I appreciated this about him. I got frustrated sometimes that I didn't get a flood of handouts (he'd probably disagree), but was encouraged to work at an early age and earn some of the things I wanted. I don't know how many times I called him in college bursting with tears and desperation, letting him know I had another overdraft fee on my checking account. He persevered through those times with me and I think I eventually got A LITTLE better with those things. I like that I can share any struggle with him and know that it will just fall on a listening and caring ear; that he will not just be searching for the first chance to put in his two cents or throw in a life preserver. Yet, I know that he will be there if we ever desperately need it, too. Most importantly, I know that my dad is a man of God who has determined to study the Word diligently his whole life. That tells me that whatever he has to say is seasoned with the truest kind of wisdom.
Mark's dad is one of the most tender hearted people, always looking to spend his time and energy on others wherever he can. He is disciplined in every area of his life that I've observed- his finances, his schedule, his family life, his spiritual life, his exercise, etc. All of his years and years of hard work have paid off and it goes to show us how making wise decisions can and does make a difference in the future. Tom's not the touchy-feely type, but his love for his family couldn't be more apparent. He has demonstrated how to lead a family with devotion, maturity, leadership and "sticktoitiveness". When we face a dilemna, (which seems to happen a lot these days), I know that Mark feels absolutely comfortable turning to his dad for advice and help, and really, so do I. I've never known anyone to be as generous as Mark's parents with their time, assistance, money, etc. He's also been an incredible grandpa to Ben. Tom keeps us laughing and is always super comforting to be around. I am so grateful to have that kind of a person nearby.
My mom means the world to me. She is so much like me and so different at the same time. From my chidhood until today, she has shown a lot of selflessness. She sewed my clothing, my dolls, my curtains. She cooked three homemade meals a day everyday along with desserts. She taught us what passionate love for God looks like and demonstrated it in her prayer life and through modeling consistent Bible study. She is still a prayer warrior until today, often insisting I stay on the line when I am grouchy or crying while she prays over me and my situation. She has faced a lot of difficulty in her life and has come through all of it stronger and still clinging to Christ. She raised four kids, each one a special challenge, and did so without favoritism or wavering. From her I learn the concepts of gentleness, hard work, contentment, persistence, and true love for God. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful mom, and at this age, a more faithful friend.
Mark's mom has been incredible. When I admire my husband's character, I can't help but trace it all back to his parents. As a mom myself now, I hope to instill something similar in my sons. I know that Mark and Brent greatly respect their mom, never speak negatively to or about her, and look up to her in many ways. After getting to know her better, I can fully understand why. She is a tireless person, never sitting down, never really even sleeping. But, she doesn't squander her time. She works busilly helping others and staying deeply involved with her sons and now, their families. She is an incredible grandma who has been readily available each and every time we've needed her. She adores Ben and Shiloh and bends over backwards to make their lives better. She has given and given and given to us in so many areas of our lives, never really expecting anything in return. That is a quality I hope rubs off on me one day because it's such a blessing. From the day I met her, I felt welcomed and cared for. She opened her home to us for months and treated my like a daughter, even when she saw my ugliest sides.

When I think of all the people who don't have their parents anymore or who never knew them to start with, I can't help but be so thankful for the incredible relationships we've had with ours. It's something that we cherish every day.

Thankful for Friends

We have made incredible friends here in Boise. Some bonds were created almost immediately, and others have developed over the last four years. I have my best friend living here now as well. Mark and I both feel so blessed to be surrounded by such trustworthy, quality people everyday. We look up to all of you and leave our time spent together feeling fulfilled and truly happy. Each of you means the world to us.

Thankful for My Salvation

I think "being saved" happens during a childhood prayer for some people, for others, it's a long, drawn out, intellectual journey that culminates with a surrendering of the heart, others make a decision on their deathbed out of sudden clarity and desperation. For me, it has been a life-long process that I still feel in the midst of. Not to say I lack finality and assurance, because I don't... I know my place in heaven and my standing before God is secure through Christ. But, I'm in the middle of a spiritual journey that I can trace back to childhood and that I know won't come to an end until I'm gone.
I do believe I was saved at a young age. I loved the Lord and was dying to tell the people I knew about Him. I prayed every day, I sang songs to Him constantly, I started early reading the Bible and processing its information to the best of my ability. I longed for heaven and knew in my heart that's where I was headed. Within all the endless altar calls I responded to and the countless prayers I repeated "just to be certain", I know that there was a heartfelt decision made. I look back on the chicken scratch in my books and the notes in my old Bibles from Junior High today and am humbled...many times, it seems like that girl internalized the things of God better than I do now!
But, there was a period...about ten or so years long, where I was not committed. I did not deny my faith or even question it at all. I still believed everything fully. The problem was that it didn't matter enough to me for me to lay aside my selfishness and lustfulness. I wanted what I wanted and didn't like anything or anyOne telling me that what I wanted was wrong. I kept in the Word just enough to be able to say I had read it, I spouted off one-liner prayers here and there. I went to various churches, searching for the environment and pastor that was "good enough" to meet my lofty expectations. I demanded quality, serious teaching, but when I got it, I didn't allow the information to seep below the surface. I still considered myself a Bible scholar, someone who already knew it all.
I met and dated and married the love of my life and we spent over five years together claiming to be fellow Christians, but conveniently never discussing it to any great extent. We wanted to maintain the comfort of eternal security, but wouldn't dare go so far as to bring up difficult issues that needed dealt with, much less to question our devotion in general to God. I, again, had this internal standard of what a godly man should be like and I expected that from Mark, growing frustrated that he didn't lead and challenge me, that his knowledge seemed trivial and elementary when it came to theology. But, at the same time, I was worse off than he was in all my self-righteousness.
In the course of a year, my junior and senior years of college, a battle ensued. My brother, after evaluating my life closely, told me he wasn't sure I was even a Christian since my life was showing no fruit. I wanted to beat him over the head. He was just judgemental and had no clue the depths of my love for Christ. But, as I thought about what he said, I grew terrified. The Bible said my actions were proving I hated Him, even though I never outrightly denied being His follower. I started to get serious about reading the Word again and listening to a lot of sermons. I spoke regularly to my brother about things. Meanwhile, my life and my habits were calling me back in the wrong direction. Mark would seem interested in the things I was learning, but not fully devoted. I was frustrated. I wanted to either be sold out for Jesus and supported by those around me, or I wanted to live life and have fun without guilt. I was sick of being somewhere in the middle!
It took finding our current church in Boise for things to settle down in my head. I started seeing the Christian life laid out through examples and started to take in the Biblical teaching. Mark was doing the same. I'm sure that some of it is due to age and maturity level for both of us, but finally we were willing to LIVE as Christians. It's incredible to evaluate my desires and how they have changed today. I know that, although I continue to fail regularly, I truly love what God loves and hate what He hates. What pleases Him delights me and what doesn't weighs me down.
Probably the most crucial thing I've learned is that God chooses us, not the other way around. There was nothing in me, being spiritually DEAD, that was capable of choosing and loving God. I was born hating the things of the Lord. My natural tendancy was not to obey and I would have never been able to muster up that desire on my own. For people to say they made a decision to accept Christ is only a half-truth. God must first choose to have his Holy Spirit ignite that capability in us. Our free will before the Holy Spirit's action in us would ONLY choose to deny Christ. Our free will after the Holy Spirit's action in us would ONLY choose to accept Him. Is that still free will? Yeah, I think so, I am just so grateful that it's controlled by Him and not me...otherwise I KNOW I would not be saved.
If my good intentions and natural spirituality was capable of choosing Christ, I could not understand grace and mercy. In a very large sense, the credit would be my own. Christ would have made Himself available and I would have had the good sense to snatch Him up. Instead, I realize that I was a hopeless case, headed deservingly to hell, and Christ randomly selected me, snatching me up. It makes no logical sense that He'd do that for me, but He did. I have to be humbled and grateful beyond words for that. It also explains that His ultimate wrath and punishment for sin is not unjust. People going to hell is the natural and just conclusion to their life of loving sin. Sin leads to death. We were all going there. The part that seems unjust is that anyone would be snagged up from the path of destruction, not at all by their own merit, and covered by the Blood of Christ/given eternal life.
In light of all that, my salvation is what I am most thankful for.

Thankful for Mark

Well, I couldn't really spout off the blessings in my life without mentioning Mark toward the top, now could I?
Growing up, I don't recall having visions of my wedding, my future family, or my husband. I know that I always wanted those things, but just didn't dwell on any of it a whole lot. I think that I wasn't so sure it would happen for me. After all, I never really got asked on a date through high school and guys seemed to consider me a good friend more than a potential mate. I guess I just started to assume that it would be my lot in life. I didn't think too much about it one way or the other.
But, from the first time I laid eyes on Mark, I started thinking about it a lot...a freaky amount. I knew he was way out of my league, but as I got to know him a little bit, something struck me about him that I had never felt for a guy before. He wasn't paying me much attention and I was still certain there was nothing that could come of it, but I couldn't help but think about him.
When he called my dorm room and asked my beautiful roommate, who also had a crush on him at the time, to speak to me- I was floored! Mark took me on our first date and we were both hooked from that day forward. Neither of us had ever been in a relationship and were romantically awkward to say the least. But, with one another, we were completely at ease.
Four and a half long years later, we were married. We were immature, spiritually mediocre at best, and naive. But, what brought us together kept us together through some hard things we dealt with in our early marriage. It still baffles me that one of us didn't just throw in the towel and say "you know, this isn't what I bargained for, I'm out." But, we loved each other in spite of everything and stuck it out...thank God.
When we moved to Boise, we found our church and the incredible people there began to surround us and become our example and encouragement. I've seen Mark grow into the spiritual leader I never deserved, but always knew I needed. I've seen God work in my own life, too, although the progress seems more gradual in my case. (; Now, for every difficulty we face, we revert back to our common goal- to make our marriage a thing that glorifies our God. I feel I have a perfect teammate and a leader in this everyday battle.
But, it's not all difficult for me, I must say. I have been blessed with a husband whose qualities are hard to put into words. He is absolutely the ONLY person I have ever met who does not have bad moods. He is the most stable and consistent rock imaginable. If he gets a hint down, some simple encouragement is all he requires. He does not encourage arguments or fights, in fact he quenches them before they begin with a quiet and humble spirit that is impossible to attack for very long (Lord knows I try). There has never been a legitimate concern I have raised that Mark has not bent over backwards to repair. There is not a defensive or self-righteous bone in his body. It baffles and frustrates me...but, in a good way. (:
Mark has a heart for the Lord. He is constantly evaluating himself in light of what God asks him to be. He loves the Word and just gaining knowledge and intimacy with God. His role as husband and father is taken very seriously and he encourages our relationships with God as well.
Everyone who knows Mark knows he's a people person. From the infants to the elderly, he has a way of warming up to everyone he meets. I've asked him seriously to tell me if there is anyone he's ever met that has not liked him. He's like "oh yeah, I'm sure there are a bunch." But, he cannot name anyone. That's because he's impossible not to like. He loves people. He cares deeply for them and thinks about them and their feelings. He is funny, warm, generous, humble, sociable, easy to talk to, etc. He makes an incredible friend because he listens and keeps secrets well and never seems to judge anyone. He's also very transparent, feeling no need to pretend he's got it all together or that he needs to sugarcoat the things he struggles with, which makes others feel more at ease, I think.
He's also incredibly handsome. Just thought I'd throw that in there, too.
All I know is that I am one lucky girl to have a man like Mark. He is so incredibly patient and available. I am not easy to live with, ask anyone who has attempted it. But, Mark endures with me. I'm pretty sure he even loves me! He is most definitely the most important thing in my life and I'm inexpressibly thankful for him.

Countdown to Thanksgiving

I am not normally a person who gets particularly excited about holidays, special events, birthdays, etc. But, this year, I'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving. I just feel like I have been sulking an awful lot about an awful lot lately and that my focus needs to be redirected onto the plethora of things I have to be thankful for. I want to do a few entries about specific things that God has done for me this year as we lead up to the holiday.

Health...
Tonight, at our church's family meeting, we were encouraged to think of a few things we don't normally dwell on that we might be thankful for. I thought of my health. For those who have suffered health scares and hardships, any time when there is decent health for a period is a time for rejoicing. I feel, though, that since I have always been in fairly good health, it's something I take for granted.
I was watching a documentary today about a woman who has adopted 13 or so children with disabilities, and to see some of the conditions these innocent children were born with was very eye-opening. Imagine living your life from day one without the substance that keeps your skin attached to your body, having to bathe in open sores every night for three hours and living the rest of your life with bandages and very limited movement? Imagine knowing you were going to die at an early age; at any time. Imagine that, because of this condition, your parents gave you up for adoption and you never knew a real, stable home life? Imagine wearing a smile and being sweet during all of it!
Or, I think of those who are coasting along and suddenly slammed with the news of cancer or some other serious condition. I know, even though my faith would pull me through something like that, it would also rock my world.
And I don't just thank God for my own personal health, but for the health of my family. Mark is very rarely even sick with a cold. Ben has never dealt with any illness so far that has lasted more than a few days or been very severe. Cody appears to be healthy and normal and on track for a full-term delivery. My parents are both fairly healthy for their ages, my mom cancer-free after about eight years now. My siblings are healthy in general.
I know that anything can happen at any time to change this privileged state, but I do need to recognize how blessed I am in this department. With everything I find to worry about, how wonderful that God has allowed me and my loved ones to be healthy.

On Your Baby Brother

This is a letter, one of many, I have written to Ben. Most are meant for him to read as a young man, but some are directed at him now and are more for my sake, I think.

Ben, we’ve known for a while now that you will be having a brother in a couple months. We’ve decided to name him Cody. My heart is overjoyed at the thought of having another baby boy to devote myself to. You truly made my first mothering experience such a wonderful one, that my expectations are through the roof! It’s interesting to think about what he might be like and look like. He’ll have some of your traits, I’m sure, but he’s bound to be a very unique individual and different from you in many ways. Being handed the incredible gift of my two little boys is something I cannot begin to describe.
Still, I have ached over some things that will surely happen when another baby arrives. So far, for a year and a half, it has been dad, me, and you. We spend a lot of one-on-one time with you and all you know so far is the undistracted attention of your parents. You are a cuddly and needy little sweetheart, always wanting to be close to us and not too pleased when our attention is elsewhere or when we have to leave you for a little while. That tells me two things. One, you will benefit from learning to share your things and your time with someone else. And, two, this will be a difficult transition for you. I must admit, it will be difficult for me, too. I love doting on you and giving myself to you whenever you need it. I have loved our time together alone, when at the drop of a hat, we can go outside or go for a ride or read a book or just sit down together and snuggle up. It’s been great and I realize that I will only have that with one of my children- you. From now on, my time will be divided between multiple kids.
As much of a special blessing this stage has been with you, it will be changing. Life always changes, that is natural and good. I remember being pregnant with you and thinking much of the same way about losing my alone time with your dad. For years of dating and a long stretch of our early marriage, our free time was only spent on one another and the prospect of sharing it with an additional person was exciting, but concerning. I found out, though, that you did not push us further apart, but united us in a much deeper and significant way. You made us a family, not just a couple. Cody will make us a bigger, better family. The love and devotion I have always had for you will not change, even though our circumstances will. I have learned that God gives us an ability to love as many people as we want and as deeply as we want, there is no limit. In other words, I can love you with all my heart and also love your dad and Cody with all my heart at the same time.
One thing I wish I could communicate with you right now is that when you are frustrated because I cannot put the baby down and play toys with you or when we have to stay inside with the baby when you’d much rather go outside, you must remember that you are loved so much. You are my treasure now and forever and that will not be compromised one iota through any of this. When we are forced to sacrifice for someone else, we grow and we please God. Pretty soon, you will have a new playmate and will be thankful for him.

Seven Month Belly Shots

Yes, this is only 7 months, although it looks like 10. Ben knows where Cody is and I think he's anxious to meet him.

The Boys' Rooms

Cody's room is officially ready for his arrival. There wasn't much to do, since Ben just got through using this nursery, but we changed things up slightly. Ben's room is entirely new and decked out with his favorite theme- cars and trucks. He feels right at home in there and never missed the crib for a night.

Autumn 2009

Here are some pictures from the last few days. We had a few taken with Mark's family and some more taken at the pumpkin patch today with the Turners. Ben couldn't get over the fact that we were actually passengers on a trailer, of all things, pulled by a tractor. As you can see, I look beefy and uncomfortable, which I am.

I found the Sweet Weedo Bean in his bed reading a book, all propped up proper like this. I also threw one in there of him sleeping there since he looks so teeny tiny in that bed. Not for long!

It's Settled

After many months of debate and not a small amount of feedback, we have settled on a title for our new little one. We're going with Cody and have not yet decided on a middle name. No, it was not even close to the most popular on our little poll, but we've got to go with the ONLY name we're both comfortable with. I still have to get totally used to it, since my family has had a dog with that name since I was eleven! Still, I think it is awfully cute. I am now around 24 weeks and already as big as a country, so I have a feeling Cody will be another bruiser.
Ben has moved to his new room, fully decked out in vintage cars and Pennzoil gear, courtesy of Grandpa Gould. He falls right asleep in his bed nearly every time I put him there for a nap. We have not yet attempted overnight in there, but I have a feeling he'll be just fine.
Mark's job has officially switched over to 100% presentations at local high schools. He will do a lot of repeating himself and probably end his days exhausted, but his hours overall should cut back and he should be around the house more now, which I am thrilled about.
Mark's brother, Brent, and his wife Larisa gave birth two days ago to a teeny tiny little girl, Shiloh Marie, after 30-some hours of labor! She is gorgeous and healthy, even though she is so small and early. I know for a fact they'll be incredible parents.

BABY BOY!

On Tuesday, we had the privilege of seeing our little guy, yes another boy, in 3D. I hadn't had that detailed of an ultrasound with Ben and it really helped me fall in love with him! Things are looking great, he appears to be healthy and VERY active. Now, I just have to find a way to wait out another, even longer, 20 weeks until I can hold him and kiss him. Mark and I are both happy it's a boy. I definitely want a daughter at some point, but I specifically prayed that God would just give us what He saw most fitting for our family at this time. I can't wait to watch Ben and _____? grow up together, play sports together, etc. God is good!

Jesus was REAL

Sometimes, when I read the gospels especially, I can't help but think they are sort of heartless records of factual experience and observation. Sort of like reading a slightly more detailed history book, where the author clearly knows a ton of valuable information, but you never really think twice about the author while you're reading it.
Well, I was reading through the Gospel of John and came to the last verse (John 21:25). Leading up to it, of course, is the synopsis of Christ's life and ministry. Sometimes I read through the whole story and almost have to snicker because it comes to things like his crucifixion, perhaps the most significant event in history, and it simply states: "So the soldiers took charge of Jesus. Carrying his own cross, he went out to the place of the Skull. Here they crucified him," It is so matter-of-fact that it seems shocking.
But, that last verse struck me this time. Here is John, having witnessed the ministry of Christ first-hand; the rise in popularity and unpopularity, the controversy, the miracles, the wisdom, the humility, the crucifixion without just cause, the death, the resurrection, etc. He was like you or I, just an average Joe, who had the immensely awesome opportunity to commune with Jesus the man. But, still, his entire book seemed impersonal to me until that last verse where he writes "Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written." I don't know what it is about that that made me so happy. As the author, through the Holy Spirit, he actually had to narrow down what he would give account of because the miraculous and marvelous things he'd witnessed were too many to mention. I can't wait to get to heaven and have the rest revealed. I just love that John was as in awe as you might hope he would be after living through his experience.
It reminds me of the lyrics to one of my favorite hymns of all time:

The love of God is greater far than time or pen could ever tell
It goes beyond the highest star and reaches to the lowest hell
The guilty pair bows down with care, God gave His Son to win
His erring child He reconciled and pardoned from his sin

Could we with ink the ocean fill, or were the skies of parchment made
Were every star on earth a quill and every man a scribe by trade
To write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry
Nor could the scroll contain the whole, though stretched from sky to sky

Oh, love of God, how rich and pure, how measureless and strong
It shall forevermore endure the saints' and angels' song

When I wake up each morning and go into Ben's room to see him for the first time, a flood of joy rushes through me. He's usually a little sleepy still, but ready to play and show me things. I love scooping him up and holding his heavy warm body against me for a moment. I marvel at the shapes his sweaty hair has formed and kiss his puffy eyes. Throughout the day, I tackle him and tell him over and over how much I adore him and how perfect he is, as though he can process what I'm saying. When I look at him, I am filled with gratitude for every second I get to spend with him. I look forward to the many times a day he requests a book reading and sits quietly with me, fully engaged (as long as it's about cars). At night, we usually read again and sometimes sing. I cherish it all too much for words.
The best part of my day still, though, is when it gets quiet at night and Mark and I lay down, (earlier and earlier all the time) and talk for a while about our days and about life in general. I love cozying up to him and feeling completely at ease about everything. He is my everything and I feel certain I would crumble without him. When I hear the garage open about 7:30 each night and realize he's finally home, I want to squeal. I don't often show my excitement and relief to see him as I should, but it's there. I am truly married to my best friend, my hero, the one I respect more than anything on earth. We are so different and so alike; so necessary to each other for balance. I have to have a healthy dose of him on a daily basis just for basic survival.
Now, another one is fixing to join our family in a few months. I don't know anything about him or her and it isn't easy for me to seriously bond at this stage in pregnancy. But, I know one thing for sure, we are abundantly blessed and the blessings just keep coming! There is nothing on earth like stepping back and taking a look at what we have and realizing it's our own little family! These two little lives are the product of love between Mark and I and incredible miracles from God.
Some people would look at my life and yawn. I don't have a lot to show for myself as far as the world is concerned. I have a little education that I have not used and probably never will. I have never had a job worth bragging about and probably never will. Mark and I have never been able to travel, to buy extravagent toys and take up expensive hobbies. We're broke now and always have been- might always be. We have a modest house and no means of upgrading anytime soon. But, we both feel like the richest people on earth and have said it back and forth repeatedly. There is so much to be said for this kind of happiness and fulfillment. So much more weight should be put on the everyday joys we have in our relationships.

Confession

Although I have not always given it a lot of thought, I have never been great at consistent confession of my sin through prayer. I’ve spent some time pondering why this might be and it could be due to a couple dozen things, most importantly of which is my lack of clear understanding of it. I have a firm grasp on the confession and repentance required in order to be saved. Naturally, when you are asking God to forgive your sins and bring you new life, some major acknowledgement of your past mistakes is necessary. It’s the confession from a Christian on a day-to-day basis that I have not fully understood, and therefore, failed to perform as I probably ought to be.
Here’s my dilemma. On one hand, I hear repeatedly and believe wholeheartedly that what Christ did on the cross for me has literally and fully covered my sins from the sight of God. Not just the sins I have ached over and acknowledged verbally to him, but each and every sin, both little and huge, I have committed and will commit in my lifetime- even those that I do not recognize or fail to confess. Truly, when the Father looks at me today, He sees only the righteousness of His Son. (I say that as though it is a clear picture in my head, but the truth is, it’s very hard to grasp and internalize). No matter how my head skews that from moment to moment, I know that this is the truth and that my salvation is secure due to that fact. But, on the other hand, the Bible clearly teaches repentance of sins after salvation. I cannot believe the first statement and think for a second that failure to verbally admit every sin will somehow make my salvation void. I believe that the importance of my repentance to God is for the quality of relationship with Him, not the existence of it.
I guess it’s that understanding that has given me a take-it-or-leave-it approach to confession. I don’t mean to make it sound like the quality of my relationship with God is of little importance to me, but when something will not affect my ultimate and eternal standing before God, I must admit I care less about that thing than if it had that power.
I was at our marriage Bible study and the topic of forgiveness in spite of a lack of confession from the wrongdoer came up. Someone said that we demand apologies from one another but that God does not require that of us. I agree with that statement when it refers to salvation, but is that true in reference to our relationship with Him? Doesn’t He require repentance from us in order to restore full communion with Him when we have sinned against Him? If He does not require that of us- period- then, why are we to bother?
There is a battle in my head over the act of bringing my every sin before God. If I’m being honest, the prospect of doing this has kept me from approaching Him in prayer at all at times because I am so overwhelmed and exhausted just imagining it. A vague “forgive all my sins” seems insufficient but a detailed naming of each one seems impossible. Yet, I look at my relationship with Mark and that when I feel I have definitely been wronged, how I almost have to hear him acknowledge what he did in order to feel restored to him fully. Is that my sinful, unforgiving nature or is that the way God works as well? I’m sure it’s the former, but I still haven’t had this settled in my head.

Hmmm

If a series of worthless old wives tales hold any weight at all, I am having a girl. The questions that led to that conclusion were along the lines of: Are you feeling sick all day? (Yes). Are you uglier or prettier? (Well, quite a bit uglier, but I'm not sure I can blame all of that on pregnancy...probably more due to the fact I am opaque and have a teenage boy's haircut). When did I get pregnant? (Toward the beginning of ovulation). How am I carrying the weight? (Due to the fact they had no option that said 'around my waist like a tractor tire', I opted for 'low and wide'). So, I am having a girl, I guess. Not that I need further confirmation or anything, but the official, "medical" diagnosis is in August.

Found out my brother, Wayne, his wife, his six children, my dad, and my step-mom are all going to be here in mid-July. It will be a houseful! I am looking forward to it so much.

We had a great weekend in Cascade, ID with families from our church. We had never gone to a family camp together yet and really enjoyed ourselves! I'm attaching a couple photos. Unfortunatley, I am terrible about being ready with a camera when something interesting is going on, so they are just kinda blah. But, you'll get the basic idea.

update

I'm writing because it's been a while and I feel somewhat obligated to be faithful to this site, not necesarily because there's anything earth shattering to tell you.

I am now coming up on twelve weeks of pregnancy which isn't really a third of the way done, but I like to tell myself that. Also, it really is the end of the first trimester and that just feels hopeful to me. I think I struggled through the first part of the second trimester with Ben, but then the nausea subsided and I at least didn't have to worry about THAT symptom anymore. I must admit, I am feeling a little down in the dumps with this ickiness. I just hate not having any energy now when I am not yet huge and useless to do things like yard work and deep cleaning and the like. I tend to sit on the porch swing and watch as Mark slaves away at our ruthless weeds, feeling like a waste of space. But, I know I am serving a great purpose.

My job with the neighborhood has been keeping me busy again lately, just with the increase of yard and pool issues that come with the summer. I don't particularly like being the neighborhood police, but in a way, I have found this little bitty job fulfilling. It gives me a bit of a break from the everyday and gives me a FAT paycheck. All right, not really, but that's okay. I have found that, although I don't like confrontation, I am okay at making a sticky situation sweet. I can get people to calm down and I kind of like the challenge.

Mark is staying super busy with his job, too. They have finally found someone they'd like to hire for the enrollment part of the job that he has been doing for four years and has never really enjoyed. He will eventually switch over to presenting only. I'm sure the repetitiveness of it will take its toll, but he is so good at that and his pay will not change.

Ben and I have both been sick the last few days. He especially. I can't think of one baby ailment he isn't suffering from at the moment. He's got a severly stuffy nose, double ear infections, a bad diaper rash and teeth coming in all over his little mouth. I just want to give him something to numb it all, but I can't. He's such a trouper, though, and really isn't too difficult even in these rough times.

My mom will be visiting for nearly a full week starting this Friday. I am so anxious to spend time with her and have all that one-on-one time together.

Okay, so that's the latest.

Your Help Requested with Baby Names!

So, I know it's awful early to be stressing about this, but when there seems to be so much heated debate and difference of opinion between my beloved and I, I guess it's never too early to get the list narrowed down. Here are some names we both have entertained, but have not settled on for one reason or another. In this post, I'll offer a little of our thinking behind the choices and then you can vote in the poll below for your pick. Thanks for your input!

GIRLS NAMES

1)Autumn (see below)

2)Summer Both of these are sort of equal in our minds- not great enough to blow our socks off- but nice. They are similar names and both pleasant. I don't think either of us knows anyone by these names, so they still feel somewhat fresh.

3)Noriah This I sort of invented by taking my mom's name, Nora, and putting a little spin
on it. I don't want to claim that nobody anywhere has this name, but I do not find it on any lists, and I like that. I think it's obscurity is a bit of a turn-off for Mark. Plus, he says we are not black.

4)Cameron Yes, Cameron for a girl. We both like this, but the more I see people's expressions when we mention it, the more I think we cannot pick a name that we both like but the rest of the world finds repulsive. Let us know.

5)Ava This is absolutely my FAVORITE and I lean toward this big time. BUT, as great an idea as I thought it was, I found out it was #5 in popularity in 2008. I vowed not to choose a name that she would share with thirty other girls in school. Still, I just love it.

6)Brooke This is a great name, but Mark hates that his name ends with a "k" and doesn't flow smoothly into "Gould". He says you either drop the "k" when you say them together, or you have to do an awkward pause between while your tongue figures out how to manage the switchover. I say, her name will not likely be "Gould" forever and Mark is overexaggerating.

7)Adriauna I think this is lovely. Mark thinks it is too long and the spelling is complicated.



BOYS NAMES (Neither of us squeals with passion over any male names, but these are some we like okay)

1)Cody I think this would be adorable. Mark cannot see us having a son named Cody, but liked it better than some of my other suggestions

2)Zachary "Zach"- Don't know anyone personally with this name and I think it's nice. Flows well with "Gould", real masculine. Mark is not sold, but again-brings nothing better to the table.

3)Nathan A great, quality boy's name that I have always liked, but we DO have a close friend with this name and I have not ran it by him or his wife. They may not like having that confusion and they may also like to keep that name for themselves in the future.

4)Wesley "Wes" Totally dig this. Mark does not. He could probably come around.

5)Jonah Cute. Biblical.

6)Dangit! (that's not the name) Now that most everyone has cast their vote, I remembered I left off probably my #1 or #2 favorite- Isaiah!


So, there you have it!

5 YEARS TOGETHER!

Friday was our five-year anniversary! I can't say time has flown, but it is truly starting to now. We were talking about how, at best, we could only have sixty more together. Honestly, that sounds like way too little time! We have been through a lot already in the five years we've been married and the nearly ten we've known each other. It's amazing to me to think back and realize all God has done in our relationship to draw us closer to Him and closer together as a result.
We spent the day around Boise, attempting to save money. I was sort of dragging at the thought, kind of feeling sorry for myself that we couldn't be on a tropical cruise somewhere "like everyone else" or renting some luxury condo on Lake Tahoe or something. But, we both knew that wasn' t in our means right now and kind of sucked it up. Come to find out, when you change your attitude and make the best of your situation, you don' t need those fancities at all!
Mark and I dropped Ben off for the whole day at his Grandma and Grandpa's place. I have never been away from him for more than five hours. Yeah, that's right. Kinda attached at the hip. That has been wonderful, but as soon as Mark and I realized we actually had a whole day to focus on each other, it was like we were in heaven! We started by playing frizbee golf and I actually got to where I was throwing closer to 15 feet at a time...HUGE accomplishment! (: We took a walk along a quiet path and joked around and held hands like we always used to. Then, we laid in the grass at a park for a good hour just talking. Because I am on the verge of sleeping at all times lately, he took me home so I could sleep for an hour and then we went for a nice dinner together.
I hate that we get so caught up in the day-to-day sometimes that we forget to be as affectionate as we ought to. We easily learn to live without those little things, but when we're reminded how rejuvinating they are, it doesn't make a lot of sense to deprive ourselves of them! I am truly married to the most incredible person I've ever known. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE him!

Here We Go Again!

Well, I spent all week feeling pretty morning-sick. I was holding out some hope that this time around might be different. No such luck. It is currently 4:42 am and I have only slept for a little over an hour so far. Kind of hard to relax when you feel like you're going to throw up at any minute! I will keep telling myself what I know to be true- this is all going to be worth it in the end!
We saw our first ultrasound of the little ball of tissue and cells. Can't believe there's hardly anything there, but still a beating heart. God is so magnificent, isn't He?